Let me first state that I still play WoW now and again. Gone are the days where I was a perpetual subscriber, but I still check in often enough. It’s still got a place in my heart, that’s for sure. That said, in the time-honored tradition of playing the contrarian I figured now would be as good a time as any to do some pondering. I’m going to bold this: bear in mind that this is all in good fun and facetiousness. Even if some of the items on this list come true, I wrote this all as a joke at the Big Game’s expense. In all likelihood this expansion is going to sell millions of copies and keep Blizzard on top of the subscription scene for another few years, but let’s pretend… even if just for a little bit, that it won’t and this is why. Here we go… feel free to add your own reasons (real or kidding) below. And because it deserves reiteration: this is pretty much (though not entirely) in good fun.
Goblins Are Too Cool
Seriously. Do I really need to add much more? We’re talking about a race of creatures that are little, green, snarky, and love explosives. Every single one of their animations is a prime example of Blizzard’s emote genius. Not to mention the simple fact that their mount pretty much demolishes every single other race’s ride. What do I predict? An Azeroth filled with Goblin Death Knights. They are the new Gnomes; get used to it people.
For Ages Four and Up
This one comes courtesy of Garrett Fuller. Recently he sat down to play WoW with his four year old son, thinking that he’d have to show him the ropes and maybe do the steering around the game for the wee little tot. But apparently, in its ongoing efforts to make sure WoW is user-friendly, Blizzard has made their game the MMO equivalent of a Playskool toy. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I mean it does seem to be a part of their massive global success. But at what point does playing a game become too simplistic? I vote for once a big red button instantly kills all enemies on the server (which may or may not be included in the next expansion).
Five More Levels and then? Nothing. Still.
Oh man, I’m so excited about the new lands we’ll get to explore in Cataclysm. And the new skills, the new talents, all the new upward expansion for my character. But then I’ll hit 85, and it’ll be a matter of either rolling a new character, or hopping on that treadmill again. I feel a little silly even mentioning this one, as this problem is pretty much an all-genre issue. But it bears mentioning here. Many folks love the end-game more than the leveling adventure and progression, and vice versa. But in all seriousness, the only thing I’m not excited about when it comes to Cataclysm is the fact that I will eventually hit the cap again and then likely get bored. I can’t help it if I wish there was more, and I’m just hoping Blizzard will one day be the ones to figure out what “more” is.
Furry Invasion
As if the introduction of the incredibly cool Goblins weren’t enough, Blizzard has seen fit to let the Furries into Azeroth. The Worgen will be dancing atop every mailbox from Ironforge to Shattrath and beyond and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. In PvP, corpses will be getting purred and dog-humped like someone let a stud into a pack of Westminster Kennel Club bitches. I can say bitches because here I’m talking about dogs, I promise. I don’t even want to get started on the cosplay atrocities that will come from this.
The New Old World
This one’s actually not meant to be a joke… I’ve thus far avoided the Cataclysm beta and info. I want to be surprised when I boot it up. But I’m dreadfully worried that the old Azeroth will be so destroyed that all my nostalgia for the old world will be ruined. I know Blizzard’s doing an honorable thing and trying to revamp an aging game, and really I’ve spent so much time in Elwynn as it is now that I probably don’t ever need to quest there again. But what if I wanted to? What if the New Old World sucks? What if the magic that those zones have is lost? I guess we’ll find out in a couple of months anyway.
Barrens Chat in Full Force Again
Speaking of the New Old World, the Barrens are being torn a new one. That means on day one of the expansion, you can expect the zone to be as lively as ever with new characters. This also means that Chuck Norris and all his friends will be coming back to General Chat. Hooray. At least there’s always /ignore to rescue me, since I have a very hard time not paying attention to people typing in all-caps and “rofl-coptering” themselves silly.
Hunters Roll on Everything Still
I play a hunter primarily. And even I hate my class. Reforging, which is actually already in the game as of this most recent patch, is going to ensure that the Huntards of the world continue rolling on every piece of gear with the excuse of “Hey, I can just reforge it to fit my needs. Kthxbye!” Just when I thought this attitude of the needy Beast Masters was lessening, Blizzard goes ahead and hands a way for them reason their selfish actions right back the other way. Thanks, guys. It’s clear to everyone now that you love Hunters. We get it.
