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Columns: PUBG Journal: The Tawdry Ballz eSportz League ESL Audition Tapes

By Joseph Bradford on September 20, 2017

PUBG Journal: The Tawdry Ballz eSportz League ESL Audition Tapes

In the first installment of PUBG Journal:

I almost get a chicken dinner.

Shank and Ralph couldn’t be more wrong.

Mistakes were made.


Imagine a team of PlayerUnkown’s Battlegrounds enthusiasts that is so inept that the only way to believe their ineptitude is to witness it first-hand. Imagine a team where if any could go wrong – it does. Imagine, if you can, a team of PUBG players who needlessly drown when able, only to still achieve the much lauded Chicken Dinner at the end of a match.

This group of utterly useless PUBG players are myself and my friends. We call ourselves the “Tawdry Ballz eSportz League” and we abide by a strict ethos of “If a man falls, leave him behind.” We don’t try to be utter garbage at the games we play – it just simply happens that way.

However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t those flashes of brilliance – and that’s what this PUBG Journal will aim to convey. Underneath the muck and mire that is our combined skill level, somewhere, there is that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, we won’t be totally inept this match.

Usually however, we prove our ethos correct.

Our Illustrious Audition Tape

Much like the time my buddy Shank and I almost got a chicken dinner on our own – in a match where we actually used real team work (something which we are known for not at all). It starts out as a normal 3 person squad in a 4 person squad game (already starting from a position of strength, you guys). Failure to read patch notes cause self-inflicted mayhem to ensue quite quickly. In an attempt to try out a new lean mechanic as the driver of a jeep, I selflessly flung my body onto the side of the road – as did Joe (who for some reason we call Ralph) – as Shank drives away unable to see through tears of laughter. Later on, as we progressed through the game, Ralph was taken out early, leaving myself and the group’s leading cause of panic to attempt the impossible: obtain a chicken dinner without anything going wrong.

Teamwork got us into the final few teams, and we somehow to manage to hold our own until the end, when the enemy team got the best of us. However, a second place finish when one person was knocked out thanks to an inadvertent Jeep abortion and easily our best player was taken out was not a bad way to end the evening.

That Time We Were Wrong

However, our adventures don’t stop there – in fact they seemingly only escalate. Ralph and Shank, while waiting for the rest of the Tawdry crew to get off work, decide to play some Duo matches. Confident that no one was going to the Island, mistakes were made.

Mistakes Were Made – All of the Mistakes. Every Single Mistake Was Made.

Finally, though, the ethos of the Tawdry crew came full circle later on that evening. If anything and everything could go wrong – it will. And it did. After jumping to multiple different locations only to realize that going to Californee (the west coast of Erangel – we have many names for the locations in PUBG and the vast majority of them don’t line up with the names on the map) was a bad idea, since the play area was in the NorthEast of the map near Erebor (Stalber). Somehow, though, we all were able to make our way to the play zone – Ralph, Shank and Brian in a Jeep and myself in the world’s most reliable vehicle and the choice of James May: the Dacia Sandero.

After losing the Dacia Sandero in a ditch, we happened upon a second jeep since our original jeep ran out of gas. We piled in and headed towards our home in PUBG – Monticello (the Mansion).

PUBG, since its inception, has always been a game capable of producing some rather stellar clips. Whether it’s death-defying tricks, incredible feats of skill, or simply a comical way to end your evening, PUBG can be potentially a great sandbox of disastrous opportunity.  As fate would have it, enter another man driving a Dacia, proving he has great taste in cars.

Instead of simply leaving the man behind (as our ethos dictates when it’s one of us being abandoned), we decided the game was afoot. Attempts to smite our enemy proved useless – and in fact we were doing more damage to ourselves than our opponent. Tactics eluded us – as did the ability to control our own individual destinies as Shank flew into a blind panic (something he is known to do), leading us deeper into the belly of the beast…

Well, as you can see, mistakes were made. However, it was another eventful night of the world’s worst group of PUBG players.

Tune into PUBG Journal next week for more so-so action!

Have a moment in PUBG you’d love to share? Let us know in the comments!