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The Glorious Return of Mad King Thorn!

By Robin Baird on October 19, 2018 | Columns | Comments

The Glorious Return of Mad King Thorn!

It’s that time of year again, time to play Mad King says, and run around in the Labyrinth trying to kill each other. And don’t forget about the clocktower! It’s is truly the most wonderful time of year! But what’s this? You think the Mad King is just some crazy weirdo who pops up for reasons? Oh, my friend let me tell you all about our wonderful and benevolent King!

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Our Mad King Thorn wasn’t always the kooky fire pumpkin headed purveyor of delightful puns we know and love; he used to be a proper King and is an actual direct descendant of King Doric himself. Oh sure, some people claim he lured his brother to his death at the hands... or… maxillae, spiders have maxillae right? Yes, Ewan met his death at the maxillae of a giant spider, but it is claimed Oswald led him there. This, however, is a spurious attempt to besmirch King Oswald’s (the Mad King Oswald Thorn in full) good name. After all we all know the countryside is full of giant spiders. Someone was bound to be eaten eventually. If you don’t believe me you can just ask Ewan yourself in Shaemoor Cemetery, he still loves his brother. If these claims were true wouldn’t he despise his brother?

There is also the nasty business of Lord Humphrey Feran, but really, he accused King Oswald Thorn of killing his own father. Can you imagine! Of course, Lord Humphrey Feran had to be put to death because that’s what happens to traitors to the crown! You can’t accuse the rightful King of patricide and expect nothing to happen, that’d lead to anarchy. You must keep order. The same goes for the so-called peasants who had their hands all cutoff. They were thieves! King Thorn saved time by gathering them all together and took care of it all at once. Truly he was an innovator!

Then there’s his wives. Some say he kidnapped the Istani Princess Zola’s father and ransomed him for her hand in marriage, but that’s just unsubstantiated nonsense! King Thorn was an absolute catch with his own kingdom, what woman wouldn’t want to marry him? Besides, marriages with royals are always business arrangements as is, so even if it were true it’s not a big deal. She eventually needed to be beheaded anyway so she’s hardly important. Estrella is hardly worth mentioning either… She got herself trapped in a coffin full of rats and fell into the sea. How inept do you have to be to have something like that happen?

There’s also King Thorn’s son, Edrick or “Eddie”, who has been smeared by people with an agenda against the Thorns as well. Supposedly he killed his own stepmother by nailing her hands to a drake during a game of “Pin the tail on the Drake”. It’s utterly outrageous is what. Everyone who knows anything about Edrick knows Henrietta was his favorite stepmother, so why would he kill her? Poppycock! Total nonsense. Also, who plays pin the tail on the drake with an actual drake anyway? I’d like to know where people come up with these crazy ideas!

Unfortunately, it does seem Prince Edrick never did forgive King Thorn for beheading his mother on the Prince’s birthday. What was the King supposed to do though? She was clearly a traitor and the fact it was Eddie’s birthday was mere coincidence, he completely overreacted. I mean burning an entire village to the ground just to incite a riot and overthrow the King is crazy. Talk about treason. Really the only logical course of action was to lock the prince in a box and remove his name from the scrolls. Quite fitting. The King did even give his son some Candy Corn so he wouldn’t starve. Which was quite magnanimous of him considering the Prince was trying to overthrow him and had just killed hundreds of the King’s subjects.

Sadly though, the Prince’s plan sort of worked. The peasants did overthrow King Thorn and even went so far as dismembering him and hiding his body parts across Tyria. They were so afraid of the King’s magic they also used magic seals to prevent him from ever returning. Thankfully one of these seals was broken when Queen Salma took the throne. Even with this though it was not until 1325 AE when the Mad King was finally able to return with a crash in Lion’s Arch. Once again, we are free to enjoy his wonderful jokes and pranks and bask in his glory. Every year we are treated to some frivolity and happiness as we participate in various events to celebrate the season. All of which wouldn’t be possible without our wonderful Mad King Thorn. All hail the Mad King!

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