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Dark Ages in the Ultima World of LameQuest

Dan Fortier Posted:
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MMOWTF: Dark Ages in the Ultima World of LameQuest

This week, Dan Fortier takes an April Fool's walk on the wild side as he presents his weekly MMOWTF column, this week titled: Dark Ages in the Ultima World of LameQuest.

Editor's Note: This is an edition of a weekly column by Staff Writer Dan Fortier. The column is called "MMOWTF" and will look at some of the stranger or more frustrating events in MMOs as seen by Mr. Fotier. The opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of MMORPG.com, its staff or management.

This week I'm feeling a little weird. It feels like I missed something yesterday, but I can quite put my finger on it. We're going to take a bit of a break from the usual routine of old news, misused cliches and drama queen acting to present you with an epic short story that follows the journey of a young coward specialized Bard named ZoMgNeRfM3 in his quest to achieve Epichonorank Eleventeen and rescue the princess from a dragon hoping to ransom her off for some master crafted weapons.

Our story starts in the starter village, Fort Azcrak, and our young and malformed hero suddenly appears out of thin air only to find himself trapped inside several other people who apparently teleported into the same location. After several attempts, he frees himself only to find a strange sight. Everyone in the village is wearing the same clothes and running about in jerky motions, doing strange dances or jumping around like madmen in one spot.

One of the many clones separates from the others and began to speak to him.

"Hey r u new2?"

Shocked at the blatant mocking tone, our hero rips his cheap sword free of the scabbard, fully intending to shish kabob him on the spot. His sword flashes through the air, slashing repeatedly through the seemingly invulnerable offender.

"Wtf r u doing? lol. U cant atack me in n00b area. Got n e gold 2 spare plz?"

Furious, but impotent, ZoMgNeRfM3 sheathes his sword and stalks off toward the center of town to find someone to direct him toward the dragon's cave. He approaches an ordinary man with a giant exclamation mark above his head surrounded by a large group of people. None of them appeared to be talking to the man, but every so often one of them would jump in the air several times and run off.

"Excuse me good sir, but I'm searching for the dragon's cave. Do you perhaps know where it can be found?"

"Welcome to Azcrak, adventurer!" The man began mechanically, "as you have probably noticed, we have a serious problem with spiders. If you could get rid of them I would be very appreciative. Come back when you have acquired ten poison glands from the fearsome bugs and I will reward you with a pitiful sum of coin and some worthless crap you will need to show to the alderman in the next village."

Not willing to waste time with such folly, he leaves the beginner village in search of the dragon's cave. Just outside the small town our hero is confronted by a horde of pixilated spiders. Although they are being cut down en masse, the rapidly spawning fiends seemed to have the upper hand. Had they actually done anything other then fight for their life when attacked they should have easily slaughtered the entire village, but their lot in life was to simply provide an easy kill for novice swordsmen.

Picking his way past the eternal carnage, our hero runs quickly to the outskirts of the forest to get a better view of the countryside. Upon emerging from the small woods, ZoMgNeRfM3 looks around for some clue as to which direction the dragon's cave might lie. An ever-present mist shrouded the small ravine he finds himself in and steep cliffs restricted all travel through this area. The hills are strangely impossible to climb, but beyond them he could just make a out a towering rocky pinnacle to the North. After running out of stamina and nearly escaping death at the hands of some much higher level squirrels, he reaches the plains of Godard.

Following his trusty on-screen compass through a poorly designed plain, he is ambushed by a well-armored man with a gaggle of casters following in his wake. They move strangely as only the warrior in front seemed to actually be moving freely, while the others /tagged along behind like a macabre train. The man is a huge brute carrying a bastard blade of insanity. This man obviously had the advantage of buff-bots on his side so our hero thinks quickly.

"OMG look! An undefended pack mule and miner!" he shouts, and when the foe turns to look, he quickly makes off in the opposite direction toward a large group of trees around a nearby lake where the ganker can't find him. Hiding in the lakeside foliage our hero spies a group of adventurers attacking and killing a large group of crabs one by one. Their hard shells proved no match for the repeated specials and spells of the campers.

As he watches, a Priest comes into the draw distance suddenly with a horde of monsters on his tail. The beasts eventually get tired of chasing the speedy disciple and gave up the chase. On their return trip back from whence they came they decide to butcher the group of unaware crab-hunters. The battle is brutally short and after the horde wanders off the Priest runs back and starts dancing around the bodies of the fallen group.

Sensing it is time for a strategic withdrawal, ZoMgNeRfM3 leaves cover and runs as fast as his legs would carry him off into the mountains. As luck would have it, he runs straight into a dragon's cave, which also happened to be the same dragon that had kidnapped the princess! How fortuitous!

Creeping inside he finds the dragon busily counting his phat loot as dragons tend to do when not posing for magazine covers. As our hero creeps forward to get a closer look, he stumbles over a pile of discarded Bracelets of Health and knocks over a precariously placed pile of priceless pearls. The enraged dragon quickly drops his monocle and rears up to full height above the startled Bard.

Looking up at the terrible beast, our hero is briefly afraid before realizing he had already hacked max flame resist. The dragon breathes out, sending torrents of flame from his maw, burning piles of donut boxes and vanilla wafers to cinders and scorching the cave walls black from the heat. Unharmed, our hero sprints back near the entrance to the cave taunting the dragon with his worst looking emote. When the dragon sees that his breath is ineffective, he roars and charges ZoMgNeRfM3 intending to rip him to shreds with his razor sharp claws.

At the last moment our hero moves and the dragon flails awkwardly into the uneven polygonal wall, somehow getting part of his enormous body caught inside. Wasting no time, our hero hacks the defenseless dragon to pieces and goes to rescue the princess in the chamber beyond. He quickly unties the scantily clad prisoner from the ropes that holds her and his heart skips a beat as she opens her mouth to speak.

"Thx a bunch dewd...i've been locked in here fourever ever since a gm caught me using that 'sploited greatsword!"


Yes, I know he never reached Epichonorank Eleventeen, but what did you expect, a real story? Do you have something you desperately need to say about this week's article? Let me hear all about it and remember, there is no such thing as a stupid comment just stupid articles. This your favorite April Fool signing off till next week.


Dan Fortier