Attacking servers is a hobby as old as Internet connections themselves, and apparently, the critically-acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy 14 Online: A Realm Reborn is no exception. Except someone is very, very dead-set on it this time. 

Since even before the launch of Dawntrail, which to its credit went extremely smoothly given the prior DLC's botchy launch, there have been relentless DDoS attacks on the game. These attacks are server-agnostic, it seems, and essentially interrupt the myriad activities of the “theme park MMORPG,” from its new raids to, as I experienced four times in one night, casual roleplay. In fact, in the week since I pitched this and now, there’ve been several more attacks. 

That’s to say, someone has been DDoSing FFXIV since April, and nobody has any idea why. There have been no claims to it, no sources, and no information otherwise about what’s actually happening, and for reasons relating to operational security and the ego of all parties involved, it’s understandable that we don’t know. 

That said, we can cope through speculation! Here are my comically incorrect most highly-educated guesses. 

They keep parsing lowest in the new (regular) raids 

Everyone wants to be good at video games. Some people just don’t know how to be. 

For example, imagine this: We’re nine weeks into the new raid tier. A lone, young gamer has been clearing every week for the tomes, because that’s what you do. And in the process, he’s grown quite attracted to the idea of just doing really well. He’s bumping up his item level, he’s learning strats, he’s on the grind. Or trying to be. 

…all for casual content. That’s all his internal justification for being not only the biggest tryhard of all time, but also malding over his ACT DPS. 

The second he stepped into Extreme or Savage content, he thought he’s the hottest fighter in the game, except between his know-it-all attitude, his focus on parse numbers, and the fact that he got the wrong food and melds based on independent theorycrafting with zero grounds in reality, he was absolutely immediately cooked in every Party Finder group he landed in. 

And so if he can’t play at his best? Nobody can. 

Or maybe he also hates Honey B. Lovely. I dunno. 

Two of the best mounts are cash shop items 

The Optional Item Stores are, of course, optional. However, people really like the stuff in there. Obviously, whenever you see something you like, and it costs money, there’s a bit of despair in it, which can cause some irrational behavior. 

The first is, of course, the Shadow Wolf. I’m not going to get into why this was a disappointment to much of the FFXIV community as an Optional Item Store mount, because that’s deep into spoiler territory. However, given that lore's importance, it felt like something that at least could have been unlocked by way of Blue Mage… or completion of that lore. 

The other would be the Cruise Chaser. Granted, it’s a two-person mount, but Cruise Chase could have been a fantastic reward for some sort of revitalized Heavensward content, or… other stuff? I can’t tell you exactly what. MGP? Unreal? Maybe a rare three-line Wondrous Tails prize? Or, better yet, a Treasure Map prize? 

But honestly, at least the other mounts in the Optional Item Store sort of make sense. And I’m not biased because I got both Fat Cat and Megashiba as gifts. (I am.) But sense doesn’t matter here, the DDoS has been ongoing for months. 

It’s not actually a DDoS—it’s mod data overload 

About two years ago, a certain not-to-be-named-for-legal-reasons third-party mod that allows players to share each other’s mods in real time—so you aren’t just sharing screenshots and… other mod packs. Now, I have my qualms about the widespread expectation that you’re modding in FFXIV roleplay communities, but that’s a hot take for another time that my friends are sick of hearing from their vanilla friend (me). 

In speculating about the DDoS, one roleplay friend brought up what could be the impossible, but we could never count it out: the mods have killed us all. 

I mean, think about it. People will literally send up to 2GB of data at a time to each person with their code, inject them into their clients, and then put them all together at RP venues, or that Quicksands, or at every Limsa Limosa. Somehow, the jiggling of breasts, oversized sheathes, and excessive fishnet textures have made their way into the FFXIV servers. Or maybe, just maybe, there’s a very excited server engineer who downloaded it onto a test client and let it overload the servers, or… something. 

Don’t think about the fact that this doesn’t make sense and none of this is how any of this works because you send the mod codes over a third-party server. We’re just speculating. We have to consider all the possibilities, impossible as they are. 

Dawntrail Discourse Brainrot 

As with any lengthy video game, people are taking their time in catching up to Dawntrail. Some have kept up with the audience response, and some haven’t. Either way, people seem to think it’s… fine? I mean, I thought it was fine. The story did have a lot of issues, but there have been worse in AAA gaming, and the gameplay more than makes up for it. So surely, people can be nuanced... 

Hah, just kidding. Either Dawntrail is a cute little time or it’s the biggest piece of rot that Creative Business Unit 3 have put out since 1.0. 

Look, maybe they really, really hated Wuk Lamat, or thought the first half was boring, or that DDoSing would, in fact, actually kill everyone in that last zone (without getting into spoilers). But there are some people who are obsessed with hating Dawntrail, and therefore, nobody is allowed to enjoy it, so that’s that. They think they’re doing justice. 

Okay, that doesn’t account for the DDoSing around May, of course, but anyone can hop in and give DDoSing a go, given the proper tools and security protocols. And it did slow down for a bit, after Dawntrail dropped, presumably because whoever’s responsible was actually playing the game. But given it picked up a few weeks later, well… 

X, the app formerly known as Twitter, needs everyone back 

Let’s level up that last theory: Who benefits the most from The Discourse? Obviously, Reddit, but you’re all logging into Reddit to check for cute Miqo’te commissions, memes, and tattoos or other real-life miscellany anyway. So let’s check our next culprit… 

Ah, X. Which I’m going to call Twitter for reasons. The app that lives and dies by the discourse. In fact, in the past week or two, there’s been even more discourse after a major raider was outed for cheating in the midst of trying to be a feminist ally (and of course, major streamers gave horrible “it’s her fault, actually” takes in the wake of it). That’s on top of the post-Dawntrail discourse spilling out onto the microblogging app. 

Here’s the thing—none of us should be on that app as often as we are. These are unavoidable vibes. But what’s a better excuse to start doomscrolling than our brainrot game being unplayable? And now, especially after Musk literally got it banned from one of its top-ten countries for ad revenue, they gotta take up the mantle. 

Basically? Maybe this DDoS strategy is a psyop. Don’t fall for it. Log back onto your bunny boys and catgirls. You’ll make it back eventually. 

What do you think is causing these attacks? 

[By the way, if you haven’t realized this is a satire/comedy piece with humor drier than the surface of desert sand, here’s your explicit disclaimer: THIS IS A JOKE.]