I’m fully aware that I’m going to get a large amount of flak for this edition of The Rant, but I don’t really care.  I currently have a new obsession and it has, so far, changed how I enjoy MMOs.  I have recently started playing DCUO, as some of you could probably gather from previous columns that I have posted, and it has successfully made other MMOs completely uninteresting to me.

I haven’t even been playing it for that long, nor do I play it very often.  I maybe get on it once or twice a week if I’m lucky, but it has still had an impact.  (Those of you who have started rolling your eyes and sighing “Gawd, not another puff piece for DCUO.” can go ahead and stop reading because I’m not going to stop until I have gotten it all out of my system.)  I have tried to play other games because I don’t want to completely burn myself out on DCUO but every time I go to a different game my experience is the same.

Combat just seems to be boring to me in every other MMO out there right now. I logged onto WoW recently and barely finished half of a quest, not one quest chain, just one quest.  I thought to myself as I ran to my quest objective “SWEET BABY JEEBUS! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”(This week’s episode of “The Rant” co-stars the ghost of Billy Mays) and it was all downhill from that point.  I got to where I needed to be, started killing the mobs I needed to, and started to think “THIS IS POSSIBLY ONE OF THE MOST BORING EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. I REMEMBER WHEN THIS WASN’T SUCH A CHORE. I REMEMBER THIS BEING SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY ENJOYED DOING, WHAT HAPPENED?” I didn’t even hearth back to town, I just logged out where I was. 

“COMBAT IN MMOS GOT YOU DOWN?” the Ghost of Billy Mays voice rattled in my skull.  “GETTING FRUSTRATED WITH SLOW AND MIND NUMBING TRAVEL ABILITIES?” Billy Mays screams again as a little bit of blood trickles from my nostril. I decided that it was probably a good idea to ignore it. I have had “episodes” in the past with infomercial celebrities trying to persuade me and I have found that it is best to ignore them. (P.S. Stay the hell away from my brains Ron Popeil! I don’t want to command your army of mutant rotisserie chickens)

Maybe Billy was right a little bit; maybe I needed something with a little more action and less mindless travel.  After plugging my nose up with some toilet paper I decided that some Bloodline Champions would quench my thirst for some action and make the ghost of a direct-response advertisement salesperson stop yelling at me. I also made myself a tin foil hat to wear. I lasted a little bit longer playing Bloodline Champions than I did with WoW. I got half way through the first match I got into before the yelling started again, “CAN’T MAKE YOUR BIG AND STUIPD HANDS OPERATE A KEYBOARD PROPERLY?” “You shut –up Billy! You’re dead! Besides, I’m not that bad at this game!” I shouted back, out loud, as I adjust my tin foil had and stuff some tissue up my other nostril that has also started to bleed. 

I was able to get through that match and through another two whole matches before I was attacked yet again by Billy and his Caps Lock assault that was happening in my head. “ARE YOU TIRED OF HAVING TO DEAL WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS MAKING FUN OF HOW BAD YOU SUCK AT SOME GAME YOU OBVIOUSLY NEVER EVEN PLAY?” he shrieks sending blood spraying out of my ears.  At that point I couldn’t take any more I was going to have to cave in and hear the ghost of Billy Mays out. No other voice in my head has every made so many good points or been quite as loud while making them.

“What do I have to do Billy? What will make this nightmare end?” I screamed as loud as I could through a haze of tears and blood.

“ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS PLAY DCUO! YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN HAVE TO DEAL WITH:

 SLOW AND UNINTERESTING TRAVEL!

BLAND COMBAT!

YOUR FAT DUMB HANDS FUMBLING AROUND ON A KEYBOARD!

I’LL ALSO THROW IN, FOR NO ADDITIONAL COST SIGNIFICANTLY LESS PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW BAD YOU SUCK WHILE PLAYING!”

“All right Billy! You win I’ll play it! For the love of god, just stop yelling at me or I think my head might explode!”

I logged in and much to my surprise I was content in my gaming experience.  I could easily get from point A to point B in no time and I had fun while doing it. Whether I was fighting mobs or other player characters in PvP combat was actually entertaining again. I actually wanted to fight things because of how much I enjoyed it and using a video game controller made the experience that much easier! Also, I suck a lot less at DCUO that I do at Bloodline Champions…

So I would like to thank the ghost of Billy Mays for making me play DCUO that day. Even if DCUO has ruined other MMOs for me.