Dark or Light

The Secret Paranoia

Aaron Couture Posted:
Columns Very Scary 0

With the launch of The Secret World this week, I’m feeling a bit paranoid. It’s not only the fact that we are all being watched by secret societies we don’t know about, it’s all the weird zombie mutations I’ve never thought possible. The days of slow stupid zombies are over. Nowadays, we have crazy zombie that take vacations and long baths in bath salts. They get out of the bath all naked and chew your face off under a bridge smelling like rose petals.

At least their skin is silky smooth.

Zombies are everywhere these days. You go to the movies and they all have zombies. For example, Men in Black 3 has a zombie. You can’t tell me Tommy Lee Jones isn’t a zombie. His face is melting right off as the movie goes on. His eyes, ears, lips, and the flabby skin under his neck are all decaying right before our eyes. The dude is a zombie. Not to mention other zombie actors like Steve Buscemi and his zombie snaggle-tooth. Yeah, just his tooth is a zombie. It freaks me out!

It seems like the zombie apocalypse already here and it isn’t even December yet. We have to prepare ourselves for the worst. Do you have your Zombie Survival Kit ready? You should! Do you have a Zombie Escape Plan ready? You should! Do you know Katie Holmes address and phone number? You should! I heard she is going to be single soon. All these things you SHOULD have, but you might not. Don’t worry though; I am here to help you survive the dark days that are coming… that kind of has a ring to it. I should buy that website domain before someone else does.

Here are a few pointers to help you survive the End of Days… hey, that has a ring to it too. I should make a movie about that. Maybe Arnold will be free this weekend to talk it over. Anyways, here are a few things to help you not die screaming like a baby discovering Dora the Explorer killed Swiper in season one. She is a murderer! She jammed Swiper in her backpack and used his skin for a map. I cry every night, thinking about poor Swiper not swiping anymore.

Survival Kit:

First things first, you need a survival kit. One thing the TSW has taught me, there are some nasty zombies out there. Just the other day I came across a “Ferocious Feral Zombie” in Kingsmouth. I was utterly shocked. I naturally thought most zombies were “Domestic Lap Zombies”. Not only is my dream of owning a unicorn that can fart rainbows shattered, I’ll never have a zombie to cuddle with at night. The world sucks, I know.

If I’ve learning anything from the movies about zombies it’s that you need to cut off your arm and attach a chainsaw. Without it you’re screwed. Other things you might want to consider in your survival kit are:

  1. A machete:  Guns are not as fun to kill zombies with. Please see number 2 for the only exception.
  2. A sawed off shotgun: Blowing a zombie’s brains out at point-blank, one-handed, and having brains splatter all over your face is cool.
  3. Neosporin: It fights against infections while it aids in healing.
  4. A magical bottomless bag of bullets: duh!
  5. A bookmark to Undead Labs website: You never know when you’ll get an internet connection and need some on-the-spot zombie information from educated experts.

Escape Plan:

No matter what, you always need an escape plan. The best way to make sure you have the perfect escape plan is to bring a flight attendant with you at all times (Note: see team members later on in this article and place attendant in desired slot). They not only know where all your exits are at all times, they also can make a good cup of coffee in a pinch. You’ll also need a map made of Swiper skin and bread crumbs to find your way out of any maze –like graveyards. Trust me; all graveyards are set up like Alice in Wonderland. Aside from these must have things, you’ll need to form a team to survive endless waves of zombies.

The Team:

Your team is the backbone of your survival plan. You’ll need a strong crew to make it out alive. I’m not sure what “out” means when the whole world is full of zombies waiting to eat you alive. When I say “eat you alive” I mean: you are pulled apart limb from limb bleeding gallons of blood your body really can’t hold. When I say “gallons” I mean that I needed to use the ridiculous quotation marks again to emphasize how crazy this all is. Your “team”… I’m just doing that to piss you off now. Your team will take the ludicrous out of the crazy and save your hide. So who should you have on your team to increase your chance of survival?

  1. A fat guy: He is not only a great shield against hordes of zombies; he has more than enough meat to spare.
  2. A beautiful woman that didn’t make it past 8th grade: She has multiple purposes, but the main one is to die. She could be a flight attendant too, if that wasn’t sexist stereotyping.
  3. A jock that can’t read: He can throw a football to you when you just survive a climactic scene and you need to lovingly connect with your team. He is also there to die.
  4. A video game nerd (pause for cheers from readers): He knows everything that will help you survive. Right before he dies, he will emotional connect with the beautiful woman and get something he needed from her.
  5. A random person: This person will save you and be your partner for the rest of your life. In the beginning they were random, but in the end they are your soul mate. It’s the way of the Zombie Apocalypse.

You see, if you are prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse you’ll come out alive and stronger than before. You’ll find the love of your life to hold you when your nerd friend dies and you’ll laugh with your domesticated lap zombie cuddled by your side. When the zombies stop killing your friends long enough for you to sing songs nobody knows the meanings to anymore, by a raging bonfire of dead bodies, you’ll know then the true meaning of the number 42. So don’t worry… you’ll survive this and if you don’t, there is always a resurrection point nearby.


Aaron Couture

Games, motorcycles and guitars! Everything that screams mid-life crisis. Freelance writer for MMORPG.com for over 10 year.