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Coyote's Howling: I Stole From My Mother

By Guest Writer on July 07, 2011 | Columns | Comments

I Stole From My Mother

I hate writing introductions.

They're awkward, uncomfortable for everyone involved, and usually about as exciting as the color palette for Age of Conan.

So of course, for my very first article at MMORPG.com I was asked to write an introduction so that you, the reader, could ease into familiarity with me, the newly appointed humorist.

But how do you approach such an article?

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Do you write a clinical, resume style listing of accomplishments and cite previous work in the field? Do you stand slowly, aware that all eyes are on you and squeak your deeds in a voice best suited for an Alcoholics Anonymous confession?

Or do you treat it with the suave familiarity of a sexual conquest and offer a playful grin, proof of a clean bill of health and the pre-encounter agreed upon fifty bucks with the understanding of no direct eye contact?

How about the direct approach?

Like you, I am an avid gamer.

I have been playing video games nonstop  since the day that the soft, sultry tones of the Asteroids machine at the local pizza place seduced me into stealing quarters from my mother's purse.  Instantly there was a rush of excitement, the flash of adrenaline, and the inability to convey the joy that I felt from a series of 8-bit graphics wrapping me in a warm blanket of addiction.

It was sheer magic.

Beautiful and pure, exciting and new - it surpassed everything. Action figures lost their luster, board games seemed boring and trite, and I became so enraptured with my new love that I didn't even mind wallowing in the filth of my unwashed clothing.  (My mother could never seem to locate the laundry money that she swore was just write there. Odd, that.)

I fell into the world of video games and made it my home. I signed up for BETAs, saved money for conventions and spent every waking hour melding myself into the worlds that I became a part of.

That my friends, is a perfect summary of who I am.

...unless the only thing you took from that was "A mother-robbing digital crackhead who would do anything, and we do mean anything to feed his video game addiction". Then, you know... HEY! You're missing the point!

I've written professionally for sites and magazines, created scripts and skits, and even played with blogs and podcasts with a modest amount of success.  And I've done all this by taking the hard work that people have dedicated their lives to creating and mocking it; twisting it into a writhing mass of juvenile humor and poop jokes.

All because poop is funny.

As a slowly reforming "carebear", MMORPG's have been my drug of choice from the moment I stumbled upon them while searching for naughty pictures on the internet. To the irritation of my friends and guildmates, I am a constant role-player and view each one of my characters as an extension of my own personality and its need to annoy people. In my many years of gaming I have played almost every MMORPG that you can remember, except for RIFT, because I kept calling it "RIFTS" with an "s", and they f**king hate that. So somehow all of my free trials and accounts get deactivated before I can even get signed in.

I fell in love with EverQuest, had my heart broken with SWG, and got space herpes from Star Trek Online. Like many of you, I surrendered unconditionally to the gaming world and pledged my digital daggers in loyalty. Through all of it, I laughed and enjoyed myself with the ability to see humor in every genre and situation (except for the herpes thing). Humor that I went out of my way to share, (just like the herpes thing) with my readers and friends alike.

Which, if you're still reading this, brings us to the newspapers they've laid in the corner for me here at MMORPG.com.

For the next "until I'm fired", I've been tasked with providing humor in the form of geek and gaming related articles for this site and the fine people who were inebriated enough to hire me.

They've opened the proverbial Pandora's Box and let me out with the understanding that no topic is sacred. I can discuss it all:

  • MMORPG related news items
  • Industry happenings and petty gossip
  • Gaming and Ganking
  • Issues with people destroying the things we love - for example:  X-Men First Class. That's right, I said it. Someone had to. I mean, really? Havok is now the older brother of Cyclops and Mystique is Xavier's sister? You kill off a character whose powers keep him from being killed off? Kevin Bacon? KEVIN F**KING BACON!? Thank you for giving my childhood a big ol' Sentinel Steamer you money grubbing bastards.  This movie is the reason I now purposely park in handicapped spots.

But I digress.

All of this and more is fair game for an article that will hopefully make you laugh and then feel ashamed for doing so. So with introductions out of the way, feel free to get in the windowless van, trust that the promise of candy wasn't just a clever ploy, and come with me on an adventure that I you might not always remember...

...but the bruises and faint whiff of chloroform will assure you that you probably had fun.

For that, above all else, is my goal.

- Coyote