Hey there, MMO fans. Johnny P. Hardcore here, taking the reigns over from Chris because he’s convinced that this will somehow make him cool enough to hang out with me. It won’t. What it does do is allow me to write the most important List ever to be written. A list that will literally change your life, the minute you finish reading it. See, Johnny P. knows his business with M-M-O-R-P-Gs and what it takes to be the best of the best. I don’t abide by any slackers. So I’m going to do you a solid, Internet. I’m going to share you the top six signs that you might be a filthy casual.
You Don’t Raid
If you don’t raid, you’re doing it wrong. I don’t want to hear about how crafting is its own game or how pee vee pee is where it’s at. Bullhockey. What do you think these games are even about, anyway? On this I will not be moved. If you’re playing anything other than raiding, you’re most likely too casual to talk. Or worse, you use the LFR tool like some kind of super casual. Stop it. Quit talking about how “leveling is fun” or “PVP always changes” on your same four maps, and find yourself a competent guild. For crying out loud.
You Don’t Use Voice Comms
Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! A casual has invaded your guild! If, for some reason, you avoid using voice chat, you’re probably a casual. Even worse, you might be the person who sits in voice chat but never actually speaks. You’re a creeper. You creep me out. It’s like you’re the guy on the street corner who only ever wears a trench coat and fedora, and only comes out after dark, just so he can smoke cigarettes in the street light. Or maybe you have something to hide. 10 screaming kids? An angry or sleeping partner who will force you – with great regret, I’m sure – to type a version of “g2g wife aggro” just in time to wipe the guild? Danger, Will Robinson, indeed.
You Don’t Like Guild Applications
Casuals have a natural aversion to quality. It’s true. They do silly things like join guilds just because their friends made them. Then, you know what they do? They demand real guilds lower their standards and let just anybody in! Listen Legolawls. First of all, we already have someone with your name. Kudos on the choice. But second, it’s completely reasonable to demand three essays, two interviews, and a communal trial before we debate your merit as a human being. And you know what else? It doesn’t even matter that our raid teams are full. If you want to warm this bench, you’d better have a well-written ass. Er, application.
You Ask for Help in General Chat
Let me make this clear: public chat channels are for comparing things to WoW and the occasional ASCII art. What makes you think I’m going to go Google an answer for you? Do you not have fingers on those little casual hands? And if I did, who’s to say that you would even be able to understand me through that gleaming sheen of awesomeness I’m surrounded by? Unanswered questions are to casuals what a tail is to a dog. Keep spamming that chat. You’ll catch it someday, fella.
You Didn’t Watch the YouTube Video
Can I just tell you something? When I do charity work and fill a raid slot with a random, I don’t wait for five minutes so they can take a pee. I wait so they can watch the video and know how the fight works! I shouldn’t have to tell some new guy in words how a boss dies. It’s obvious. Go to Y-O-U, tube. It’s that simple people. And for the love of god, read guides. I truly don’t care that you don’t know the website.
You Say Stupid Things Like “MMOs Aren’t a Part-time Job” or “Everyone Should Be Able to See the Content!”
You know who says that? Non-winners. Do you think Charlie Sheen got to where he’s at by helping Joe Schmoe get a job on Two and a Half Men? No! Here’s a tip for anyone who’s ever said that MMOs aren’t a part-time job: you’re wrong. That’s exactly what these games are, if you even want to call them that. Mats don’t farm themselves, people! If I’ve put in less than 25 hours in a week, I consider that a personal failure. With your ten, you should stop your family from even leaving the house. As for everyone seeing everything? You’ll have my raid zone when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, Obama.
You Have to Try Every New Game
Are we for real here? I bet you have multiple wives too, don’t you? Or husbands. Listen, MMORPGs are not a polyamorous sport. You get one. If you have more than one, you are breaking the natural law of man-computer marriage. Multiple games are not fun. They are not educational. They’re distractional, like a little dirty love affair before you crawl back home on Monday. It might be nice in the moment, all new and shiny, but while you revel in your level 10 and three-hundred and thirty health points, I’m going to be in the raid. Getting loot. Being a boss.
And with that, MMO readers, I bid that you look inward and ask yourself: can I be as awesome as Johnny P. Hardcore? The answer is no, you can’t, but if you keep these tips in mind, you might just get better. And remember, casual is a four letter word.