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Gaming To Hell In A Handbasket

The trials, tribulations and musings of an MMO veteran trying to find the next holy grail.

Author: Strayfe

2008: A Retrospective - Part Two

Posted by Strayfe Wednesday February 4 2009 at 2:47PM
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Hear that?  It's the sound of me cackling like a lunatic.

This is me pointing my finger at all 250 million of you people who said that Darkfall was vaporware and would never release.  This is me grinning at those of you who believe, even now, with dates all but confirmed and beta in progress, that somehow the game is still going to fall through.

Hell, it very well might.  I figured the game would release, but my faith in it actually being fun to play?  Playable?  Something resembling a finished product?  Next to nil. 

If experienced MMO developers such as Mythic and Fun(hah)com can't excrete an MMO that seems as if it's out of Alpha, why put any stock in the ability of an untested, untried company to do the same?  I've been burned one too many times, Aventurine.  You will get my money when you release Darkfall, certainly, but you can bet your asses that I'm going to sigh, facepalm and rave like a homeless man in an alien invasion when my avatar gets stuck in a farmstead, while passing newbies plink at me with their starting gear until I drop dead from boredom and frustration.

The only saving grace in that situation, is that my corpse will be stuck too, and I can fold my arms, and stick out my tongue at the contingents of  clown shoes who try to loot me and get stuck themselves, quitting to find their nearest social counterpart to complain about their SHOCK AND SURPRISE that yet another MMO released with more bugs than the amazon rainforest in the summer.

I will have just four words for all of you.  "I told you so."

I got a bit sidetracked there.  Darkfall will release in 2009, barring any more Aventurining of the release dates.  This article is meant to be about games which released in 2008.  I guess there's a flag on the play.


That's gonna hurt.

Perfect World

Lollerskates.  Roflcopter.  Lmaonaise.

Try to follow me here.

Perfect World is a free to play MMO created by the eponymous company Beijing Perfect World, and published and regurgitated in the USA by Perfect World Entertainment as Perfect World International (as opposed to Perfect World Domestic?).  In a perfect world, Perfect World would be a perfect game, however, playing the game, one can see right off the bat that this game has several glaring flaws.

I can not remember ever logging into a game for the first time and having the first words out of my mouth be "WTF?".  Not until I played this game.

From the get-go, I was met with what appeared at first glance to be a runaway circus freak show rendered in mediocre 3d.  Things that greeted me upon my debut included panda bears with giant sticks, flaming somersaulting tigers, lions with no manes, fox girls with sticks, cat girls with sticks, bat girls being chased by giant blue scorpions, green-skinned winged creatures, snails with no heads and something resembling a giant humanoid duck riding a giant deformed swan while carrying a bouquet of flowers in each hand (I am seriously not joking).

Further investigation revealed that the vast majority of these oddities were, believe it or not, player characters.  I suppose if I had bothered to explore the character customization beyond picking a preset and naming my pink-haired pedo bait avatar Imperfecta, I would have realized that something was going to be rotten in Denmark.

Central to the game's theme of not-so-veiled bestiality is the cadre of emotes available to the player.  Of particular interest to the obviously fifteen year old weeaboo crowd were the faint, embrace and kiss emotes.  Swiveling my camera 360 degrees resulted in unobstructed views of panda-men falling on top of prone fox girls in lingerie, fox-men falling on top of prone cat girls in lingerie, prone bat girls emoting at nearby lions, tigers and bears, and any number of giant anthropomorphic creatures carrying, yes carrying, their female counterparts around like so many sacks of livestock feed.  I was almost afraid to look at the chat log, but when I finally did, I was treated to an onslaught of broken english laden with sexually suggestive themes that would make Ron Jeremy blush.

Come on guys, tails just don't go there people!  Geez!

When I was finally able to  tear my eyes away from what looked like the prologue to an extremely bad hentai movie, long enough to play the game, I was treated to yet another bloody replica of World of Warcraft.  You've got your talent tree, you've got your standard-fare MMO combat, castbars, hotkeys 1-6 which activate your special abilities, yada yada yada... blah blah blah... crafting, pvp... etc.. etc...

"Sometimes I wonder if any MMO developers have ever had an original idea in their lives.", I say, quickly amending that statement, as I accidently hit the space bar, causing me to jump so high that I actually go OVER a tree.

Well now, here's a concept.  You can practically fly from the word go.  Apparently you can 'actually' fly later on.  Unfortunately, the execution here seems akin to feeding a toddler a $2,000.00 hors'd'oeuvre.  Give the Perfect World players the ability to fly, and what do they do?  They take their sexual escapades into the treetops of course.  After mastering the platforming side-game enough to jump on top of buildings, trees and mountaintops, I encountered a cavalcade of animal-folk doing the nasty while hanging from tree branches, standing on chimneys, balancing on gates and in watchtowers, and any other conceivable place elevated from the unwashed masses getting their rocks off on the dirty, filthy ground.

What have I learned from Perfect World?  The internet is for porn.  Rule 34, etc... and there are things that you can do with staves, sticks, tails and such that your parents probably would not approve of.


Part three soon, in which I will cover what I consider to be the only good MMO release in the past year.