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Chronicles of the Spider's weave

Some men search for the meaning of life in tasting exquisite platers,others seek to know as many alcoholic spirits as there can be,some are connoisseurs of sexual service. This cheapster seeks a life among various realms in the spider's world wide web...

Author: El_Gostro

2029 or the bastard children of the Drow queen and Magneto VS humans VS Shrek's cousins

Posted by El_Gostro Tuesday September 8 2009 at 9:38PM
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Guess what!
My machine can actually run this game!

ºPlayer Creation:
Kinda express and regretted lack of customizing the playing avatar but oh wells.

Ya gets 3 races to choose from:
-Dryads (make that Shrek's extended ogre family)
-Electric Elves (Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch's non recognized pointy eared half brethern)

Bad news be that the whole player making process seems  more of a visual thingie and it be done as a compromise for the player who'd like to "Personalize" them a bit


They struck me as very similar to that other game where instead of a human avatar you get to use anime style mechs,it  would seem to be the same engine judging from the way player characters interact with the world,particuarly with NPC's.
(Death animation of the Fallen variants of enemies are fun!)

Now this be where ye find something funs!

Specking abilities is fairly standard procedure for this kind of games and the basic ones sure come in handy rather earlier in the game (Area attacks can net you a lot of fun and save a lot of hassle for the average kill X monsters quests)

Combat be interesting as the avatar once engages in combat will focus on the enemy it has targeted and will keep facing it as long as it stays nearby or until you decide to run away (guess this be more of a visual thingie but still it was interestin ta notes!)

A diablo style additive is presented at the beggining as well,since you have the ability to summon from the start a variety of henchmen  that will leave place to stronger more effective variants as you advance levels,tis a pity you can't equip em though...

 The developers seem to realize how lazy some of us can be as they have implemented a system where you can click the name of an NPC (friendly or enemy) in order to make your PC go to the area where they are located,however it doesnt just end here yet.
Since most quests will consist of "Kill X monsters and retrieve X items" players are given the possibility of turning on an Auto combat option,leaving us to do more productive stuff like read a book,do homework or sacrifice black chickens in the bathroom to Lord Belzebu while the PC and his band of merry pet henchmen engage on the baddies.



All in alls,it be not a bad game ta give a try if ya like  Diablo style games ,guess it's ideal for Lan party clan matches!

Even less than one minute Tryouts!!!!

Posted by El_Gostro Monday September 7 2009 at 10:21AM
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Yeps turns out my pc is even  shittier than I remember and some games I didnt even managed ta get working!
So let us share my extensive experience on this massive multiplaying jewels:



ºDragonica Online:

Okay ,I download the thingie,register- bla bla bla-and discover the following message when I attempt to log in

"Check ID"

After hiring a team of archaelogists and linguists I was still unable to find any solution to my problem,the help ticket that I sent to THQ ICE Support is still gathering dust in a time capsule awaiting the moment that Kamandi and his dog friends will find it in order to save the universe or something

I'm sure it s a fun game...


ºNIDA online:

Okaaaays,so I felt a little bit like I lived in a blocky action figure world where the inhabitants had suffered a global attack of that dust a character in the Beetlejuice movies used to reduce the head of people.
The mechs looked fun,but my pc couldnt handle shit.
Seems generic enough all in all :P


Obviously,my character "SirPedobear" is a swift scout specked for maximum speed and stealth
(I did consider gunner but Pedobear is known for his hands on fast approach in the theft of lolis)



One SINGLE thing makes this game totally worth it :

The furry banther of the general chat.

It's priceless! 
I completely forgot that I actually had to play a game or move an avatar through a world.
It is like the equivalent of living in the world of Big Bang Theory and hiding inside a bathroom listening to random conversations of a group of people with a weird fetish and their freaked out friend who is desperately simulating to read a message on his cellphone and  trying to leave.

There be stuff I shoulds reviews like playabaility or character creation but I completely forgot about it or never did even get to that point...

Getting back to bloggiewing?

Posted by El_Gostro Thursday September 3 2009 at 10:27PM
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Well I've noticed finally a string of games with low requirements that my 2004 spec can finally attempt to run so I guess I ll give this reviewing thingie one more try after so longs


In me list ta play will bes:

ºDragonica online (kudos for original name)
Cartoon characters get me sold every time (now if we can only get Looney Toons expanded universe online...)

ºEarth Eternal (Guess with that name they really want to avoid the furry tag,
I will also initiate a campaign to convince the developers to insert a fascistic humboldtian viewed human faction that would be against all the other impure/mutant/fairy/vegan races!
(Good demons? screw that,tossers!)

ºNIDIA online (that sounds like my language teacher):

Will this game serve to quench a bit the thirst for my dream MMO: "Dinoriders onlineby letting me pitt my Dinosaur riding avatar against some robot piloting duder?

 ºRAN (Forest!) online:

Well,girls with skirts who will undoubtedley be controlled by bloated neckbearded blobs of flesh and pustule covered  young goblins with a chip on their virtual shoulders is  deffinitely worth a try in me book
(just like all MMO's out theres!)

ºNeoSteam (what happened to plain steam?):
It will never be arcanum but I guess it s worth a shot rainin bullets on Cloud imitations

More 1 min try outs

Posted by El_Gostro Friday December 28 2007 at 5:49PM
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So I was able to perform the inhuman effort of using my hands and not my ear while extremely drunk with more single player massive online games and I ll try to remember just what the hell was I playing and werent hallucinations...

The order be not chronological,hell I ask meself if it even be real!


ºCRazy Tao:

Okeys,first rule:

Don t drink speed Vodka and smoke those smelly stick things for ambiance.
Crazy tao felt like being hit in the head while playing the avatar game for PC and smoking a joint ,the resulting further muddling of sense made it be seen like some sort of freakish bastard son of Twinsen's Odissey and a lot of dancing chinese spirit doggie thingies chanting TWELVE MONKEYS TWELVE MONKEYS ARE COMING FOR YOU MR MONKEY!!!!  till you go insanse and beyond...
I think I tried this game cuz a lassie at a metal head bar told me she playeds its,so far I stick ta drinking spirits with her phisically as rice ale online in this gamey with children pc's and scary big headed chinese puppers be too much fer me psyche!



ºPhoenix DYNASTY :     (NO tengo nombreeee eeeeh!)

Me days of Tang juice and helbreath be long over...
That being said,though not bein able ta choose less pretty bishounen characters bugged mes,the phoenix flying dude pet talking entity thingie was quite the good sport and a gentleman/beast/legend at it s very best!
I won t play it but mr fire bird dude thing...YO TE BANCO!



It s name suggests grog and spirits,it s more of a mushroom festival...

Why do you think everything,I mean EVERY GOD DAMN FRIGGIN THING be molded after *mushrooms*?
mushroom houses,happy greeting mushroom enemies,mushroom sprouts.

I took the liberty of investigating it's origins and interviewed the main lead behind this MMO project,turns out he is a long lost blood relative of Charles duchassois who grew up watching the smurfs and really digged the Dragon ball digest booklets in his pre adolescence,so that kind of confirmed my conclusion.

The latter being better explained by the dozen of legion of words branding power of an image!



This game is the perfect reason as to why you should not drink ginger rum after experimenting a sugar rush while playing with your megaman action figures in a set made with Lego blocks and pretending your teddy bear is a tauren chieftain...





Now,this is undeniably, THE BESTEST GAME EVER!!!!!!!!!!

A single player campaign needs to be completed first as a form of intro to unlock multiplayer mode.
In the former,you play the role of my metal head guitar sporting friend fernetico.

After finding a dying drunkard in a crashlanded alien ship he is given a sip of Branca and is transported and recruited by the guardians of Ferdinand,an intergalactic assortments of old potbellied gnomes that give him a lamp made with an old magical bottle of black fernet.
By reciting the fernet oath every night Fernetico recharges his small bottle to allow him perform any activity his drunken and ecloded will power would like to try and most probably end up doing the exact opposite.

Once you fibish an epic battle against public administration nebula and  the Alcoholics anonymous Corps (led by former fernet lantern Sobriestro) multiplayer mode be unlockeds!

Now you can create your very own character,choose how  he looks and see how he transforms as you progress throughout the gamne and according to your path of abilities gets more and more wasted or pussified by lack of addictions.
There are no classes,though the existing organizations favor certain choice/assortment of dependencies called "Paths of reventarsation": 

I shall illustrate this skil trees and relation to factions:



Those who know the secrets of Ale can better tolerate driink combinations and are favored a more robust boost to hitpoints constitution but will often pay the price as being less dexterous and possessing less endurance ,as well as suffering massive stomach pain after an epic event of bilge drinking given the ferment in their digestive system.



The most extended intergalactic brotherhood of  barley ferment drinkers is a loose and often divided network of various beings of differing social,geographical and football team cheering extraction.

Though it's extension is vast,it s unity is rather feeble.


When powered by Fernet con Coca they stand a united force of heavy metal partying.
This hive mind aligning network will dissolve after some time and will leave them with temporary muddled perception and faiing coordination rolls.
As compensating this drawback,they suffer practically non of the post-ability displaying negative effects their beer drinking counterparts do and are fully restored after a night(or day)'s rest



Hailing   originally from MUZZ_AKn-99PO 90 the corps have established themselves as the patriotic enforcers of aperitive strong drink after an alliance with the local G-A55:eosa chapter.

All effective members possess a small bottle  to unleash their power and a lantern made of Branca to recharge it,a faction granted ability of reciting the oath is needed to power the bottle to it's full magic count again.
Aditionally faction members are issued weekly cinzano grenades to aid in battles or compensate power loss



Although the effects may seem less epic than other schools of self destruction,followers of this path reveal in time horrifying endurance and ability to perform feats of astounding daring and strenght,often resulting in hysteric death.

Stimulation of hearth reate and response gives massive buffs to dexterity rolls and reduces damage or denies many status effects (sleep,charm,holdetc) as well as granting morale boost.

On the passive side,they can resist longer with lack of food and are less affected by lack of rest

The use of abilities will take massive status and health tolls after their effect has faded,and as a result followers of this path are often shortlived,sexually declined and bladder screwed.

One really mad traveling scholar has become famous for combing this skill tree with many elements of  the Fernet respective one,discovering  an exclusive combination ability known to mortal men simply as the BERSERKOFERNANDER state... (should ony be attempted by really hi level characters as it will often result in perma-death)


ºSecret seekers of Caffeine:
Much like the beer drinking faction,this is not so much an organization but a rather extended set of habits interwined with the everyday events of respective geocultural areas.Rumours abound of small gatherings of individuals and esoteric scholars who will only favor a chosen few in the deeper secrets of caffeine as a crucial ingredient to strange and new self induced poisons,,,,



After Progress quest(which by the way does exist so go play it!) this would be the most mindblowing customer satisfying (provided the drinks were real and included in the packages) gaming experience ever!







Hey! It's friday and I have to start getting drunk again so I won t realize when new year comes,see ya outside the vile arachnid's matrix of virtual weaves!

Asi que por las dudas...



Massive what? Game? Bolllocks man it's season of stuff!

Posted by El_Gostro Sunday December 23 2007 at 10:12AM
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Screw games,I  was supposeds to write some crappy witty wantingtabe reviews of gameys I tried fer less than 5 minutes straight but this season be special!!!!
Christ more? nah's!

Well,when I was a wee lil one the idea of St Marx in his crimson winter russian coat of power in the most glorious metaphor of a communist slide being dragged by the iron curtained will of the red brigade symbolized by Rudolphoski's red nose with gifts for the people done by the elven workers of the people was a fascinating one...but stllls...

Oh ayes what was this whole "ooohs season" and "wot's that ot to do with games?"

Games lately suck,mebbe more,mebbe less,so what I says is

Let go that damn screen and get drunk your opressive bosses/parents will forget ya this time ;)


Personally I reccomend

Speed sex trialing

Posted by El_Gostro Tuesday December 11 2007 at 7:25PM
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Okeys, got a final tomorrows n' in me resting period I fired a few games I downloaded this week:

Shaya Closed Beta:

(Actually got this one 2 weeks agoes)

Pleasantly surprised!
Ayes, it be a Lineage clone, but it's what I'd like Lineage to feel if I had the time n' money  to get back in that let's review main aspects:

ºCharacter customization: Lineage clone tag should be more than enough ta dissuade ya, at least I did get a matey face with some facial hair

ºSetting originality und story: Uh, the Bali guys are just dark elves minus pointy ears n the other fellas are not  undramatically re-skinned lineage orcs basicallies.

Story? Oh hold on! I'll get half a Shakespeare monkey crew to whip something quick


ºGame play: PVP fun and my fighter jumps like my Beastman toy never did! FUN!

Kinda troublesome ta switch between character factions though but as has been pointed by better n' more serious reviews, it be more a difference of which set of action figures ya prefer, the bad emo guys or the goodie two shoes pretty faces.

If you like PVP and your lineage servers are filled to the brim with more than one hundred armour of Jehovah set with helm of Hades and Spear of Odin with invisibility of Ala items, then this is a good chance to get in the competition early!




Get a cheap make money quick gimmick matey!
Grab the graphics of monkey Island 4 (gack!) Sorry even mentioning that swag makes me sea stomach belch!)

Put the characters from the movie talking to ya n mix 'em with rum, lots and lots of rum!

ºCharacter customization:
If Monkey Island 1 went ta bed with Daggerfall ya might get an ugly child everybody likes but...!


ºStory, background and what not:

You fight like a dairy farmer!


ºGame play:

Every enemy I met I've annihilated!

(I swear this is what the FREE interface screams to you!)



With your breath I'm sure they all suffocated!

PS :( I would actually play this free simple thingie if it weren'ts fer the whole PAY PAY PAY BECAUSE IM THE RED HEADED STEPCHILD OF A GAMESPY SUBSCRIPTIONS STAFF MEMBER!)


(Anyone remember that '98 game where you had this executioner guyser with huge horns on his helmet and a funny big dumb guy voice that threw axes like those old ass dungeon crawler arcade games? And the sexy sex fiend sorceress chick with her Amazon womanpower feminist knight woman parody lady?)

Powers of the fantastic twins activate!

Form of Diablo game style!

Form of low poly fun Freedom force graphics!


Now let s call the NCsoft blue monkey to carry one of us in a bucket while the other one serves as the flying mount!


Not bad gamey, but I d rather get that other one I mentioned since my machine can t take a lot these days :p



Wellie wells wells! NC soft soon adds yet another pretty banner to their cinematic game list in their brand new (for mes) NC soft game launcher thingie!
No sooner Dungeon Runners goes into the wilderness that we hear of a new multiplayer game with manga bots!

My intuition did not fail and I found meself face to face with a Gundam themed Rakion/Gunz that, to it s credit, performed acceptably well in me shitty system.


Not me cup o hi caffeine beverage but if ya liked Bots, Gunz, Rakion or those quickie arena multiplayer games I d say go ahead, it be free and fun!
N a definite for the cyber owners!

(Quienes no sean sudacas como yo probablemente no tengan idea a que carajo me refiero así que no importa, say-no-more vieja!)


R(ising) F(orce) ONLAINE!


I remember trying a very early alpha/beta something test server for Europe a long time ago, of course had lotsa trouble trying to deduce the Korean characters in the interface functions, but it seemed a pretty if somewhat shallow game (of course the most gamers I had in a server at that time were three)

ºCharacter customization:

Customization as compared to other Korean grind fests was kinda fun but it felt like those toys I had in the eighties whose body parts you could exchange (particularly with the robot fellers) so I'll have to go with a miser "comme si comme ça"

ºStory, background and Races:

Well, this be unusual!
It looks fer once we don t have humans (Aaargh! Gostro can only be human to have full freaky bothersome effect) but their descendancy and what not, the elven dudes were too gay for mes and the dark crystal sci-fi escapees were far too neo lemming for yours truly so I settled for the most heavy metal thing I could find (the Grievous's fan boys could use some more customization options thoughs!)


ºGame play:

All right, it plays exactly like Lineage, it s fun for pvp and all that but lately I don t be on the mood fer dedicating too much time ta hunt things just to be automatically levelled up in stats.



If you like PVP, Lineage and manga styles mechaniscifiyingly thingies or at least Legends of the dark crystal in Asian pop style...

Well! It's a good free booty to kill time till some big cool MMO comes out.
Then again you can always go with Zero that has a more honest Diablo grind style :P






The different backgrounds and ecloded paths of the Keynesian state as compared to that of the welfare policy seem incredibly worthy of being reviewed thrice!


Angel love On Line -Warning high glucids-SUGAR RUSH

Posted by El_Gostro Wednesday December 5 2007 at 9:53PM
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Well I was toying around this rather beloved site of spite,woe and occasional gaming on the subject of massive online outofthisworldy entertainment and actually managed for once to get a closed beta key for a game I otherwise never thought I'd try out.

Ayes,this (un)manly lover of bloody axe games and scorching fireballs decided to try angels online,brought to you by those same fellows who run last chaos,tales of pirates/pirate king and voyage century.


Against all my prejudice I was actually surprised at the extension if somewhat simple of the character creation system,although I still do have this vague feeling it is not so prospective love interests can know more baout but rather adevious ploy to obtain yet more information for some super secret information agency (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH RUN SCULLY!)



EL_Gostro (of course!)


Well,father always said I was as bothersome as crabs or prostate Cancer

Blood type?

That's odd...

Work and personality and medium?
Unemployed and strange sound f-Hold on a sec!THIS IS A PLOY!

After finding a safe spot somewhere in the amazon jungle and disposing of teh equipment after being finished with my tests and donning an ideal anime sugarcoated 2d form I landed -or flyed to EDEN!

Well Basically I'd say at first sight this is the web 2.0 version of Ragnarok...but hold on!Engrish aside this is actually fun!
(The hi and bye emotes are the bestest ever,even if your toon doesnt actually perform them the asian voice is SOOO DAMN FUNNY AND CUTE AND ALL THAT!)
The interface may seem clunky at first but it's surprisingly practical and intuitive quickly enough and the tutorials really arent so bad taking into accounts other korean  style d2p grindfest gameys

Then came that moment in all MMO's I call the cherry popper,the first time you choose a class for your first character...the definer of the next 5 minutes,days or months of the path you ll choose to put your beloved toon on...Chef and tech sounded fun but I never recovered from using Necromancers in Diablo so what the hell I ll be a summoner and get the cutest  lavender skeletal helper to ever walk the sweet clouds of heaven...

Still the variety of classc combat professions coupled with gatherer ones brought some nice memories from the early days of UO type of games (Si manga de putos,yo jugué AL ARGENTUM!)


Back to the overview,the game could use a little correction in path seeking and desengrishgification when it comes to the interface...

But all in all,with a standard computer,a girlfriend or having girlfriends who are into sugar coated shonen animes but not that much into games or just wanting to feel that odd sensation you get when you eat to0 much cake I can definitely say this isnt a bad game,and it definitely worth it if you're into games that arent completely 3d (Though I must say it did bring back a flashing memory for some reason of Little BIg adventure)

I'd say that if you can,giving it a shot,if only to shut your 10 year old sister so as to avoid her deleting your WOW characters ,go for it!



PS: The excessive information and password and PIN security measures still make me think this is some kind of covert training protocol for North Korean Spy networking services...