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Drak's Soapbox

An old time gamer who started playing MMORPGs with the Ultima Online beta test and has had a love/hate relationship with them ever since.

Author: Drakon911

Jumping...The answer to a lot of prayers!

Posted by Drakon911 Tuesday February 5 2008 at 9:59PM
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Since my last post generated some responses in comments that truly caught me by surprise, it got me thinking. Like happens quite often when I do that, I passed out. When I woke up, it hit me. I'd accidently stumbled upon the answer to the prayers of game developers and corporate bean counters in the MMORPG business around the world. 

So cue the drumroll please...My answer to improving the mmorpg market is: more jumping.

You're probably rolling your eyes or laughing at my naive idea, but I have proof! Just look at some of those comments to my first post on jumping. While sifting through the dross, I found a diamond of truth. People LOVE jumping! These people were obviously quite hurt that I chose to pick on their action of choice when confronted by superior tactics and teamwork. These were just a small vocal minority but there had to be others out there that felt as strongly. So why not tap that market? After all, it worked for Nintendo with Super Mario, why not Star Wars Galaxies? A few of my ideas to improve certain mmorpgs are as follows:

Star Wars Galaxies, The game we love to hate:  A new skill for the Jedi called Force Super High Jump Of Doom. By using The Force, which everyone loves to do, the jedi leaps so high he enters the stratosphere, where he must continually smack the spacebar to keep aloft, before dropping faster than subscription numbers after the NGE (Sorry, couldn't help myself) striking his enemy on the head and atomizing him instantly. To be fair tjhough you'd have to give this skill to every other class just change the name from Force to something else. If you don't, the message boards would fill up with a huge fight between the non-jedis, the jedis, and the sycophantic fans of the dev team. Oh never mind, that's already happened.

World of Warcraft: Everyone knows a true jumper loves PvP so...A new battleground called Murloc's River. The Horde has a camp on one river bank, The Alliance on the other. The river's water is full of flesh eating Murlocs. There are logs that float down the river from the lumbermill upstream. Each side has to cross the river to the opposing side's camp by jumping from log to log. Fall in the water and you DIE from being eaten by the flesh eating murlocs, because well, they eat flesh. And are evil. When you get to the enemy camp, you have to find a Stick of Mighty Smiting that you must use to break open a giant furbolg that's hanging from a tree. No, not a real giant furbolg, a fake giant furbolg made out of colorful paper that's stuffed full of  Murloc River tokens. Then you have to grab as many tokens as you can and take them back across the river to your camp and give them to your side's camp master. All the time the other side is trying to keep you from accomplishing this. The Alliance's camp master is a cute pink furry bunny, the Horde's is a giant poison gas breathing dragon named Bubba. After you collect 250 tokens for your side, the camp master gives your team the Almighty Buff of Boss Slaying which gives you +05 to your attack power. You're thinking that's weak and the Alliance is screwed as usual. No, you're only half right, the buff gives you that amount of attack power every time you jump! And it stacks up to 25 times every 30 seconds! Can you smell that? I smell pure carnage and I can already hear the high-pitched squealing sound that always accompanies a typical Alliance thrashing!

Those are just a few of my great ideas for improving things in the overcrowded mmorpg market. I'm full of ideas. People are always telling me how full of it I am. I just know they are referring to ideas.

Who decided that we needed to be able to jump?

Posted by Drakon911 Tuesday February 5 2008 at 7:03PM
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Who decided that being able to jump was a necessity in multiplayer games? If you're reading this and you were the one,  please punch yourself in the eye for me. Everyone else can continue reading.

If you haven't realized it yet, I hate jumping. I can't think of a single positive thing that comes out of having the ability to make your character jump in an online game, not counting being able to avoid flaming lava. Do us a favor and put a bridge over it for Pete's sake! If you don't PvP or play First Person Shooters onlilne, then you truly haven't experienced the full irritating potential of something that at first glance may seem harmless. So let me enlighten you.

Minor annoyance: Some little kid in town that wants to jump non-stop while he spams emotes and sends you a tell begging for money: "can i hav sum gold plz?????????"

Medium level annoyance: Grouping with a rogue (no idea why but it seems the majority of annoying jumpers I've come across in WoW were rogues) who thinks that jumping will somehow magically make him harder for the mob to hit, or perhaps they believe that their backstabs do more damage when they are done without their feet on the ground. I don't know what is going through their little pointy heads. I do know that it irritates me so they should stop.

Major level annoyance: PvPing in WoW is already a big enough pain without some ...*cough* enemy ... bouncing around like a flea on a hot griddle. How's that for a mental picture?  I used flea because I give them about as much credit for brains as I do the tiny biting creature and they are just as annoying. The Black Plague that killed millions of people was spread by fleas on rats. I bet those people that got bitten and caught it were a bit annoyed. I can't imagine living to the ripe old age of 27 in the middle of the Dark Ages only to get bitten by a flea, that had recently been feasting on rat blood no less, catching a good heavy dose of the plague, dying and then ending up in a pile of similar equally dead and bloated people only to get feasted on by the same rat that had started spreading the crap in the first place. Ooops, sorry. My train of thought got derailed.

Ultra major level annoyance: Playing a FPS online and some little ass is showing off his twitch skills by jumping non-stop and racking up a ton of kills while his teammates are getting slaughtered. All the while he's using his third hand to type taunts and talk smack. I've never personally seen it, but I've heard that those guys can do all that because they are mutated and have three hands. I can't imagine it'd be possible for a normal human to accomplish such a feat. Getting a kill is a kick, as anyone that playsd such games can tell you, but when you finally manage to surprise one of those little three handed bastards while he's using two of his hands to drink a gallon of Red Bull and you put an <insert weapon of choice here> up to his melon and pull the trigger, man, now that's a thrill that almost makes it all worthwhile. At least until you realize that the joy is fleeting and the little monster is now fixated on you and spends the rest of the game camping the spawn points waiting for you to pop up.

Being able to climb over an obstacle is important in some games but I do think that there are a whole lot less annoyance inducing ways than jumping. Some games have absolutely NO reason to have jumping in them but it's in there anyway. So please stop the madness before we all end up like those poor souls in the Dark Ages. If that's not enough reason to stop jumping and/or stop putting jumping in games that don't need it, well, your heart is so hard that my asking nicely to stop isn't going to work either.

I'll leave you with this final thought:  Jumping is for Donkey Kong. If you're not being faced with endless rolling barrels don't do it.

[EDIT: I guess I should have put in a disclaimer stating that the post was meant as humor. I was in no way implying that I wished anyone who chose to use jumping as their action of choice any ill will or hoped that they were bitten by fleas, caught the Black Plague or were nibbled on by rats. Judging by some of  the  responses in comments you'd think that I'd wished that fate on them or someone they loved. It's meant as humor. If you don't like it or find it funny, don't be offended by it. I'm not really annoyed that some people treat my game of choice as a multiplayer version of Frogger. I find humor in their actions and decided to post about it in my typical dry, sarcastic, rambling way.]

You have been punished for a teamkill by BiGBa11s!

Posted by Drakon911 Monday June 25 2007 at 7:46PM
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This has been a pet peeve of mine since I started playing First Person Shooters online. The whole "Punish For A Teamkill" system that left it up to the players to decide who got their pee-pee smacked and who didn't.
First off, I think the whole current system is flawed and stupid, mostly stupid. Sure, you have mature players of all ages that understand the difference between "Intentional Kill" and "Accidental Kill". It's the same morons that run into an artillery barrage that don't and aren't we better off with them dead and out of the way? So if you are going to keep the whole Punish system in place so that you can cause someone to lose points, get banned etc for a mistake then you should add a Bonehead Death report. When BiG-Ba11s stops in front of you as you are laying down suppressive fire to support your squad's advance, gets himself wasted and being the moron that he is decides to punish you for his lack of intelligence, then you get the option:

You were just punished for a teamkill by BiG-Ba11s!
Report a Bonehead? F1=Yes! F2=No

They don't get points taken off, they don't get banned, but at the end of the round they get to see "Voted Biggest Bonehead: BiG-Ba11s!" on the summary screen.

Seriously though, why not just have the game keep up with it and get rid of the manual reports and make it automatic? If someone is TKing to be an ass, then they'll do it more than once. If the game detects that someone has killed X number of unique friendlies in Y minutes or the same friendly even fewer times, then they lose all their points, have one minute tacked onto their respawn time or just get outright banned.
Problem solved.