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Very Scary: PAX-less

Column By Scary Booster on September 07, 2012

As most of us nerd types know, PAX was last weekend. You can’t open MMORPG.com without a PAX article smacking you in the face this week. Conventions like PAX get the gaming and comic book communities worked up into a frothing frenzy trying to chop chunks of information out of developers. We feed on them as a pack of blood thirsty piranha. Every little piece of flesh that falls off never reaches the bottom of the Amazon River without hundreds of nerdranha attacking it until all the molecules are digested. We are the proud few that are the PAX-less.

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I don’t mind not going to events like PAX. Why would I want to mingle with all those developers and fellow gamers in a hot convention center? Why would I want to take pictures of really cool people dressed up in Halloween costumes when I can just wait until Halloween itself and get free candy? Why would I want bags of swag instead of already chewed Charleston Chews? I know, it doesn’t make any sense to want to go to something like PAX. Thank you, but no thank you!

I would rather sit in my comfy home watching Twitch.tv streams or week old Youtube videos of interviews of information I’ve already read about on this site. It’s just plain ridiculous to think why anybody would go to these things in the first place. Just so we all are clear on the matter, I will break down my PROS and CONS of PAX just to prove they are no fun at all.

PROS:

  1. Bags and bags of exclusive swag for attendees.
  2. Awesome booth set ups you can only fully appreciate in person.
  3. Cosplay contests.
  4. Several parties after the showroom floor closes.
  5. Exclusive information
  6. Demos
  7. Contests to win gaming gear
  8. Meeting Hollywood stars and getting their autographs.
  9. Meeting fellow gamers you’ve followed for years on social networks.
  10. The memories you will have for the rest of your life.

CONS:

  1. Paying the airlines extra money to check in your bags and bags of swag
  2. Walking around until your legs burn, your neck hurts, and your back aches.
  3. Seeing your mom cosplaying Zelda in a mini skirt.
  4. Not getting invited to the after parties and listening to them laughing at you as you walk by them in tears.
  5. Having a developer talk your ear off until you forget exactly what the exclusive information was. Was it that his dog has gargantuan testicles or his game is about testicles?
  6. Waiting several hours in line with a bunch of sweaty men just to play a 10 minute demo of a game you decided you didn’t like.
  7. That 1 guy you hate winning the contests. Even if you don’t even know him, you now hate him.
  8. Waiting to get your favorite Hollywood star’s autograph and just as you reach the table, he/she goes on break and never comes back.
  9. Meeting that a fellow gamer you found out just won the contest you wanted to win and he got the autograph you wanted. You now block him and your mom on Twitter, because he is now dating her.
  10. You can’t remember where you parked your damn car, you’re carrying too much swag, your body hurts, people are laughing at you, you have some other dudes armpit sweat on your cheek, and you just want to cry in your own bed for a week.

As you can see, PAX or any other gaming/comic convention is a painful experience. I’m glad I’ve never went to any of these things in my life. Bloggers and gaming journalists might talk it up as some super fun event, but truly they envy you for being able to sit back in your bed wrapped in your Snuggy getting feed grapes by your significant other as a team of masseuses rub oil all over your body.

So when you read these PAX impressions just remember:

  1. You were naked the whole time.
  2. Your mother is in the kitchen cooking you eggs and bacon.
  3. You have a stack of Swag XXX magazines in your sock drawer.
  4. Everybody on Twitter still loves you.
  5. You can still kiss your favorite actor goodnight without feeling a bit slighted.
  6. Your new computer video card was less than the plane ticket to Seattle and you have enough left over for a new monitor.
  7. The only sweat on your cheek is your own.
  8. You can make up your own exclusive information and post it on the internet as truth.
  9. The only person laughing at you is your little brother because he caught you masturbating to Twitch.tv cosplay contest live stream.
  10. You played Guild Wars 2 the whole time and got to level 80 crafting.
Scary Booster / I love writing humor. Gaming and gaming news has become a serious business. I want to add a little fun back into a hobby that was invented for fun. I've been blogging exclusively from an iPhone for 4 years now. I wrote over 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo on my iPhone just because. It's fun to have a different perspective on game than you see everywhere else.

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