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Profile: Torak
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UsernameTorak
Rank: 95/100Rank: 95/100Rank: 95/100Rank: 95/100Rank: 95/100
Real NamePhil Roman
RankElite Member
JoinedMay 10, 2004
GenderMale
Age39
LocationAPO, Germany
Last VisitMay 12, 2008
Post Count3557
Biography

1st AD History
http://www.1ad.army.mil/History.htm

1/37 Armor 1st AD
http://www.army.mil/cmh-pg/lineage/branches/ar/037ar001bn.htm

 
Quote

Don''t Panic!!!!

 

5 Most Recent Threads by Torak [more...]

Latest Blog Entry - Pain, Anxiety, sleepless nights and being a dad
From my blog Ramblings of a depraved gaming madman or pure genius? You decide. [Torak]

Well what a happy title.

I figured I would post this here because, well frankly I post here a lot as it is. MMO's have always been sort of an escape for me on some levels. I work as a civilian now for the US military. Unless you have been living in a cave for the last 5 or 6 years you know we have unfortunately been grinding away at a horrible war. I was a soldier once a long time ago and sadly most of my life has been centered around war and all the dark ugly things that come with it.

Lately I believe it is taking its toll on me.

There is a young Sgt that I work with, she is a child, 22. she is about 5'1 and cute as a button. Well, she has been part of our family here for a while now, she hangs out with my wife, she talks to me for advice and she plays with my 3 kids. Now she is going. I really don't want to see her go to the place she has to.

I had a nightmare she was killed about a month ago and haven't slept since. I get a few hours here and there.

When I was a kid her age I was in Iraq also. All of that comes back. I can't sleep because I have the feeling "things" are in the dark and they are creeping up to get me. I am wide awake. For months during my time we pulled guard, at night, alone. The next guy was 150 - 200 meters away. I had night vision and after a while you can't see right anymore. Everything is moving and becomes distorted. You get paranoid. This went on for months. During the fighting I entered a battle position and there were bodies everywhere, some of them pinned to the walls....it was like a scene from one of those zombie movies. I found one that was alive, he was missing his arm and shoulder, he actually stumbled up to me. We tryed to save him but he died in my arms. Anguish, guilt and grief for the rest of my life for a man I never knew.

Now, lately thats all I see at night. Always in the corner of my eye just out of vision. They try to creep up on me to kill me. The only time I feel safe is when it is daylight....(believe it or not I can not watch a zombie movie and never have because of this) I know there is nothing there. I know there is no one in my house but once your mind starts with that sort of thing, you can't shut it off. You just turn on the light and watch TV or something...maybe you will drift off to sleep for a little while.

Its all tied together. Jen triggered it when she got her orders. 

I just need to work this out. I am hoping that writting this makes me feel better. I doubt it. I didn't sleep at all last night, I am hoping that tonight I will, at least for a few hours.

Do you have any idea how many of these kids I see go? I have always been a leader but sometimes when you do that, no one is there for you. You just suffer through it alone.

I just have to smile and give her a big hug and tell her I will be here when she gets back. I'm the closest thing she has to a dad and its breaking my heart. I have to send my little girl to war.

Shame on us for waging war and all it does to us.

 

 

Read more from my blog [Torak]

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"Torak" and "Tira" married 15 years now (Jan 08)

Recent Forum Posts [more...]

    • Is it true that it takes 1000 hours to hit max level?

    • Last year NCSoft put out some numbers and one of them was the amount of max level toons on the North American servers...its was around 30.

       

      Lineage II North America/Europe Fun Facts - April 07

      * Number of free major content updates: 6
      * Number of contests and events: 42
      * Number of players who have tried Lineage II worldwide: Over 17 million
      * Number of characters at level 80 (highest level): 33
      * Number of clans: 57,285
      * Number of Striders: 7,233
      * Number of Chrono souvenir items: 2,418,054
      * Number of pets (Hatchlings, Wolf, Baby pets): 128,898
      * Number of characters created since launch: 3,821,773
      * Number of castle sieges since launch: 2,228
      * Number of deaths since launch: 618,978,656
      * Number of chaotic characters: 86,176

      Thank you to all of our North American and European players for your passion and dedication. See you in the world of Lineage II!

    • Posted: 5/11/08 10:19 PM
      Lineage II
    • New Star Wars MMO

    • You are setting yourself up for a BIG disappointment with stuff like that.

      Make eat crow if I'm wrong but

      • There is no new SW MMO in the works
      • IF there was, no idea whats going to look like
      • IF there was, its not going to be like old SWG, odds are it will be some linear, class based Jedi game with all the usual generic MMO tricks of today being "kill 10 space rats" and "enter the scripted mission" with some sort of raid mechanic and capture the flag PvP at the end.

      If you guys think the current SWG is 'WoW-like" what do you think the future holds? So far nothing, and I mean nothing BUT LotR (which pretty much duplicates WoW mechanics) has had any sort of success in the MMO market since WoW. You think anyone is going to get any backing trying to put an untested or failed formula out?

       

      Unfortunately for us the virtual world concept is dead. Just take a look at all the games "in developement", all compartment games except for a couple.

       

       

    • Posted: 5/10/08 11:13 PM
      Star Wars Galaxies
    • AoC dropping like a sack of potatoes. Green light WAR

    • AoC will do very well.....for the people with the right hardware configuration. That is really what will prevent it from being a commercial success.

      What's going to create issues for MMO fans who can run it....its a bit linear up front, world doesn't feel very open up front. I don't know if that changes later on but it feels a lot like a single player RPG in the beginning. IMHO.

       

    • Posted: 5/10/08 10:25 PM
      WAR (Warhammer Online)
    • I'M Waiting for the next planetside!

    • Originally posted by Dreadlich
      Originally posted by Torak

      Planetside? Who would play planetside when you have games like BF2142, BF2 or CoD4 out there?

       

      People that want 1000s on the same server playing in a persistent world MMO.

      World pop caps, there are not "thousands of people" playing on each world.

      From what I understand, they are currently merging the last 2 US servers into one....I would assume that is because there may be a lack of thousands of people.

    • Posted: 5/09/08 7:37 AM
      General Discussion

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