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The Secret World Column: August 28th = Everything

By Scary Booster on August 24, 2012

August 28th is quickly approaching. At first we thought we would be freely frolicking in the fields of Tyria with a frenzy of feline friends, but before we could say, “SKAA-Massengill”, the pandas plopped a 5.0 fanatic Pokemon fighter on us. What were we thinking to think Guild Wars 2 could get out of the gates without a fight from the bloated, Blizzard bear? The MMO business is not for the weak or hairless Gremlins; it’s like a steel cage UFC MMA fight… to the death. We all know MMO companies have a secret fight club they beat the crap out of each other for release dates.

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For years their secret locations have eluded us. We only can fantasize about what they look like and how they fight. Some of us might think they add Jell-O with fruit chunks or hot mud with baby oil to make the match a bit more exciting. We even wish for free comic books and Mountain Dew on tap. But it’s what’s in the ring that matters, what draws on our deepest fantasies. Nothing says beauty like two 300lbs dudes sliding around uncontrollably in a death match for the chance at winning a free 6 inch Subway Club. What we fail to realize, this type of underground fighting goes on everyday with MMO companies. You just don’t know it.

You don’t think employees from Blizzard email their counterparts at ArenaNet with those stupid Facebook eCards teasing them into a rap battle or an elaborate yard stomping contest? They do! Just the other day I saw several GW2 artists leaving the headquarters with untied Timberland hiking boots, cold weather Under Armor, and a Charr plushy for good luck. About an hour later, they came back with a headless doll smelling heavily of recycled bamboo. The sad thing is, this happens every day and we don’t get to watch it. We sit in a dark room with our computer surfing the forums wishing we could start a fight while the developers are living our dream.

 We should have our say in who wins release dates. We should be able to bet on it with our subscription money or cash shop cash. I would love to slap a fat twenty on a fight. Unfortunately, we are too busy bickering at each other to realize the big picture; the MMO industry is a cutthroat business. We sit in the interwebz stands hoping this game or that game fails just so our game wins an undisputed title. We don’t want the champ to lose to a Buy-to-Play game, do we? What kind of world is this coming to where we don’t need to pay $15 a month to have fun? The whole thought of it is just preposterous! These companies taking the easy route by releasing games when they feel like just to stir our honey pots, it’s getting old. They need to recognize how important we are and what we say is LAW.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of not knowing what they decide at board meetings or investor rodeos. I want to play GW2 on day 1 and eat my Pandas too, but unfortunately I don’t have that amount of time in the day and I heard panda liver contains enough vitamin A to kill the average man. We are stuck at the mercy of these childish companies playing lubed up footsie with each other just to piss us off. They know for a fact we can’t play all these games without falling behind the leveling curve. It’s a sick joke they are playing on us to watch us roll around naked fighting on a bed of nails with our gaming nemesis.

I take back what is said before: they are not entering a ring to battle each other, they are riding pink ponies to a perfect plaza with panoramic plasma TVs to watch us pound each other painfully until we pee peanuts or pebbles while they pass pints, drink pilsner, and party. I now know the conspiracy behind the multiple games releasing on August 28th. They did this on purpose just to watch us fight on forums or social networks. We need to fight back and bond together. Let’s all blame WoW for being old and worn out. Let’s blame GW2 for being a pay-to-win game with no endgame. And we should blame The Secret World for being made by Failcom, because we haven’t heard any of this before.

Scary Booster / I love writing humor. Gaming and gaming news has become a serious business. I want to add a little fun back into a hobby that was invented for fun. I've been blogging exclusively from an iPhone for 4 years now. I wrote over 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo on my iPhone just because. It's fun to have a different perspective on game than you see everywhere else.

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In this "whenever he wants to" column, blogger and humorist Scary Booster will delight us all with nuggets from his tormented psyche.
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