|5 posts found|
OP 7/29/06 4:43:20 AM#1
This is not an entry to the contest, per se, it is a narrative created soley to defend my honor and good name as a Hack. I have been accused of being 'short' with my story, and my reputation for pomposity and long-winded-ness-es has been called into question. As a Gentlemen and a Drop-Out, I have no choice in the matter. Thus you are all plagued with the next chapter in the continuing story of Roc. I apologise...
OP 7/29/06 4:44:18 AM#2
The Tale of Roc II: THE CONTINUE
(A Horus! A Horus! My Kingdom for a Horus!)
Roc had learned his lesson and he decided one of the first things he was gonna do was get the names of The Gods straight because, along with the lightning, that conical fire crap sucked! It turned out Isis actually felt bad for lighting him on fire, but what was a Goddess to do? A noob's gotta know his place! She let him off with a warning and a magic scorpion in exchange for his signature on a liability waiver and a release form so that They could show Roc's clip on Egypt's Funniest Gods during sweeps week. ( - This is where Roc's agent got involved, holding up production for three days, while behind closed doors The Gods and Roc's manager hammered out a deal. Roc signed a Standard Actor's Agreement allowing him to get scale for his stunts and dialogue. Since the fire stunt was already filmed, Roc accepted a lamb and some cabbages in lieu of medical treatment...)
And so Roc limped across the desert of Egypt, his burns from the holy fires tormenting him under a merciless sun. He held his cabbages close and allowed the lamb to wander at his heels. And then it was night. And in the night Roc felt that he could go no further, stumbling and lurching from fatigue, hunger, and physical deresolution of the most religious kind. He collapsed face-down upon the ground, his cabbages dribbling from his arms, his exhausted form stretched out across the pathway. Roc blacked out just as the lamb was curling up in the middle of his back.
And while Roc slept an entire subplot unfolded beside his unconscious frame:
KV5 Pictures presents! A Ramses The Great production!
LINT EWEWOOD in:
We open deep inside the hardened bunker of Central Sheep Command, where a high ranking General suddenly realizes that three top-secret shipments of resources have been removed from the nation's tracking grid. Three Cabbages have gone rogue! With the nation's National Defense of the Fences Forces stretched to the limit, the CSC General had few options in this dire emergency. He pounded a deliberate hoof onto the intercom at his desk "Major Baaah-bawa?" he spat.
"Yes, General?" the intercom crackled in response.
"Get me Bwack Sheep Opouwations, NOW...!"
The lamb that The Gods had given him slept on the middle of Roc's back, but it wasn't a restful sleep. Lambo's subconscious would never let him sleep, would never let go of it. He would never get any peace from it. He lived with it, watched many die in it, and now he dreamed of it...the War.
The Wool Revolution and it's two week fight with The Helenista Garment District Resistance Army and Pick-Up Work Union had left Lambo wounded and questioning everything he had ever stood for. He tried not to question his whole life while he was awake, but when he slept...the questions came just the same. Was truth-in-product-labeling really worth dying over? Did the Tailors and Seamstresses of the high fashion world really have WMDs? Does Baa-Baa Blacksheep, indeed, have any wool...?!
The vibration of his cellphone woke Lambo up. He lazily rolled over and reached into the pocket of his woolen robe. "Yo, dis is Lambo..." he said into the phone.
"Lambo? John Lambo? This is Major Ravenweave..."
"Major Ravenweave? What da hell is Black Sheep Ops callin' me for?" The anger in John Lambo's voice was unmistakable, and deadly.
"Let's not kid ourselves, soldier. You knew this call would come, someday. We need you, John...your country needs you..."
Lambo glared at his phone in stunned disbelief. "No! I mean, why you callin' now? Can't you call after nine? When my minutes are free?! I'm roaming, fer cryin' out loud!"
"Relax, John. The Government will underwrite any of your costs during this mission, you'll get your minutes back."
"Oh yeah,' Lambo snorted, ' - you mean like the Government paid me for infiltrating the Garment District's offices and singlehoofedly destroying the entire Dacron scheme? A bag of oats and some lanolin is all I got for my trouble...big deal."
"That's not fair, John.', the Major sounded hurt, 'You know our backdoor agreements with the Cotton Industry funded that entire war. You don't like the pay scale? Take it up with their Union. In the meantime, I have a dire emergency that threatens our country on my hooves and you are the only agent I have close enough to affect it. You in? Or do I have to call your mom?"
"My mom?! Dewed! You wouldn't! No, no... I'm in, Major, Im in!"
"Good. Now listen closely, Lambo - A small shipment of Red Leaf Cabbages has been intercepted somehow, and it's packing order number has disappeared from our e-Bay manifests. This may be the result of an accident of some type, in which case your mission is simple. Take over jurisdiction from local authorities of the accident scene, locate and secure the cabbages, and then get gone. We will evac you after certain recognition of the recovery of the vegetables."
"Alright. What if it isn't an innocent accident?"
"You are cleared to use whatever deadly force and prejudice you need to secure the shipment. I don't need to tell you how delicate the balance of power is right now, these are just the kind of cabbages the enemy needs. One tip in the wrong direction and we could lose the whole shootin' match. If we don't keep our thumb firmly on evolution, another animal entirely could become 'Man's Best Friend', just look at the headway of the Feline Federation! Mummified with their Masters! We have to fight to keep a Sheep in every Egyptian's home, mister. If we don't stop them now, at every turn, it's pens and pastures for our grandkids, John... Our intelligence indicates that it might be the Insects this time, and you know personally how strong the Bugs are, you met plenty of them during the War..." Ravenweave's voice trailed to a stop.
The Helenista Garment District Resistance Army and the Pick-Up Work Union, or the HGDRAPUWU's Underground Moth Troopers... Yeah, Lambo had met plenty of them during the War, alright. Most of them got one look at John Lambo and died. "Great. Fightin' the Bugs again..." Lambo sighed.
"I also don't need to tell you how far the balance would swing if the Bugs get ahold of those vegetables... The results could be fatal! We could be looking at Baaah-megeddon!', Ravenweave stopped and took a breath, 'So I'm asking you to fight for us one last time, John."
"Don't worry Major, no one is makin' coleslaw on my watch!"
Three sentries lay in cover and watched the cabbages that sat on the ground in a jumble around Roc's prone form. Two Egyptian Chic-a-Dees huddled under a bush, while a few yards away a deadly miller moth lay beneath a rock in wait, never taking his eyes off of his target.
The two Chic-a-Dees weren't really watching the cabbages, they were arguing. Mostly they were arguing about their ninja suits. "I'm takin' it off...", Lenny, the tall, dour one said.
"No, you ain't! We're on a mission!" Stevie, the short, excitable one snapped back.
"Yeah, Stevie, I am. I'm tired of being a little black dot on the sand. I can't fly in this get-up. I got sand up my crotch, and I'm sick of these sandals..."
Stevie cut him off. "DON'T CALL ME STEVIE! Call-me-by-my-NINJA-name! I am, OMYGOSHI...!"
"Whatever!', Lenny said, 'I'm leaving - I wanna migrate! There are a thousand little beach birdies all along the coast, all of 'em wanting to make eggs. And yah know what, 'Oymi-Goymi'? I'M DOWN WIT' DAT...!"
Stevie stared at his friend with real fear in his eyes. "He'd never let us go." the little Chic-a-Dee Ninja said, quietly.
"Who? The Moth? You're kidding, right?" Lenny was amused.
But Stevie wasn't kidding, not at all. "No, Lenny, I'm not kidding, not at all. He's ex-HGDRAPUWU Special Forces! A Helenista! He was a freakin' Moth Trooper! He's killed more guys than you or I have ever pooped on, Lenny. He ain't gonna let us go nowhere..."
"I ain't gonna ask his permission to leave.' Lenny snorted, 'I'm a bird? He's a bug? I'll just eat him."
Stevie seemed shocked at the thought, but he had no time to answer Lenny because The Moth had moved from his hiding place behind the rock and towards Roc, the path, and the cabbages...and John Lambo.
"Well, looky here!', Lambo rolled off of Roc's back and swaggered up to The Moth, '...if it ain't ol' Rotten-in-the-Closet! Last time I saw you, you was pickin' mothballs outta your butt in Troy. Heh, heh. We cleaned your clock that day." Lambo laughed.
The Moth returned Lambo's smile, but there was no humor in his eyes. The Helenista carried a glint in his bug eyes that said crazy. Sick, deadly, crazy. "Laugh while you can, John Lambo. I have come here to kill you and take your cabbages, not to laugh and remember old times. Remembering old times is for people that I like, and I don't like you."
"Fine...', and all the false-good humor drained from Lambo's face instantly. 'But you'll have to kill me to get these cabbages."
The Helenista nodded, slowly. "That is my plan, John Lambo. I just told you, I have come here to kill you and take your cabbages."
"Yeah, well you gotta go through me first!" Lambo slammed a cute, little hoof across his own chest.
"Yes! You seem to be ignoring my point in favor of your own point which was my point in the first place, John Lambo! I-have-come-here-to-kill-you-and-take-your-cabbages! There! I have stated it as clear as it can be stated. I am going to kill you, and then I am going to take your cabbages."
Lambo steeled his jaw. "You may kill me, but you'll never get these cabbages..." The ex-RAM Commando spoke, low and mean.
"Yes, I will! Yes, I will get your cabbages if I kill you!' The Moth's voice became shrill in disbelief. 'That is why I said I would kill you first! "
"Dat is why I said I would kew you furrrst." Lambo mocked The Moth with babytalk!
And so Roc woke from his palsy and stood, and lo, before him happened a great and wondrous omen. For, as he cast about himself, he spied an egyptian Chic-a-Dee as it darted forth to kill and eat a helpless miller moth at the very feet of the lamb that was given unto him by the Gods. And Roc studied the sky carefully, for he knew what the omen meant. "Damn, no rain for a while, I guess..." he said.
Roc gathered his cabbages and his lamb unto himself and he hit the road. He traveled urgently, for Roc now had a purpose. The lesson from the omen of the Chic-a-Dee and the Moth was two-fold, there was a deeper mystery within and Roc had just enough intelligence to fathom the sign and it's secrets. He had watched the little bird eat the moth in one, swift jab, and as he watched, Roc's hunger had welled up inside of him and The Gods had whispered in his ear: "Learn to cook! Then we can have lambchops and stewed cabbage...!"
And so Roc hurried along to find his destiny, and a stewpot...
- The End
7/29/06 4:09:59 PM#3
Wow...I like that one as well. Hope you get to see the new game bro.
OP 7/30/06 2:50:49 PM#4
Aw, shucks... Thanks dude. I'm glad you liked it! I hope I get a look at the new game too!
Looks like I started a trend, now everyone is writing installments...heh. Hope the judges don't blame me for all the extra reading!
OP 8/09/06 3:30:46 PM#5
I usually dont bump my own stuff, just trying to lose the 'ghost' post nailed to my story...