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Off-Topic Discussion  » The Constants of my Kingdom

19 posts found
  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 5:52:03 PM#1

Last night your King was inclined to write down a list of the constants of the world.  This list was posted in the form of my very own myspace blog...now, of course, your King has many endevours and property rights...Myspace is simply one among many outlets for your king to express his Kingly goodness.  These are the constants of my Kingdom, they are the laws that govern our very existence...learn them, cherish the teachings, and never forget what you hath learned on this blessed day.

 

1:  When driving in California, when one sees a CalTrans truck, there will ALWAYS be at least three guys standing around, and there will always be a maximum of one person doing any kind of legitimate work.  If there are more than four people present, the ratio will stay at 3:1 for lazy jerks and workers respectively.  The King despises these supposed servants of the City.  If these men were on the King's payroll, they would all be fired immediately.

2:  Skinny people will always find reasons to mock people who are bigger than them.  If the skinny person sees a fat person, they will make fun of them for being fat. If the person in question is actually muscular, they will instead call them "flabby" because afterall, the skinny person is way more cut, nevermind that they couldn't curl a miserable 10 pounds.  This leads me to establish a new Kingly decree...I am henceforth placing a ban on annoying skinny people.  Those who wish to do so, may remain skinny, however if the King declares you to be both annoying and skinny, you will be flogged until you annoy me less.

3:  Women will always comment on other women who they think have breast implants.  The women who comment on this will always qualify their observation with "Oh I don't care...I'm just pointing it out"  BULLCRAP...The women who make these comments are simply trying to get any man who is present to make a negative comment about the owner of the implant's breasts, thus making the commenting woman feel better about her own body.  The King is completely apathetic to breast implants.  Unlike these women who feel so inclined to make comments, clearly their jealousy and self confidence is affected by the sight of such ample bosoms!  But the King says "let them have boobs!"  And the King's word is final.

4:  If you go to the YMCA, no matter what day it is, no matter what time of the day it is, no matter what time of the year it is, there will always be old fat men showering naked.  Sometimes you can return two hours later and the same old fat men will still be in there, naked and showering...showering and naked.  This is my Kingly decree!  All fat old men who go to the YMCA must take their showers in the stalls that have curtains!!  The King does not enjoy the sight of saggy man butt!! 

5:  Every single time somebody sings Eric Clapton's song "If I saw you in Heaven" a woman nearby will hear him and say something to the effect of "oh that song is so sad"  In fact, all woman readers thought to themselves "aww that song is so sad" when they read the title of the song.  They will generally follow up their comment about the song, with a question as to whether or not the person who was singing it knows what the song was written about.  The king has no new decree for this constant, for the King enjoys the sentimental side of women, and therefore this constant may remain in place.

6:  When paying a toll at a bridge, the person paying will always be inclined to say "thank you" to the person operating the toll booth.  This is, of course, illogical, as you are handing them money for using something that your tax dollars paid for in the first place, if anything, they should be handing you a bucket of money every time you use the bridge.  Why?  Reparations!  NEW LAW:  No more tolls!! instead of tolls, the government shall use money responsibly so that the subjects of the King shall not be punished with  $4 toll every time they use a bridge that they paid for in the first place!

7:  Asian women can't drive...that's really all there is to say about that one....Kingly decree:  The king does not wish to be banned...let's leave it at that.

8:  People with more than one or two bumper stickers on their cars usually suck at life.  They are usually either very strange, or very annoying, or a combination of the two.  Especially those people with the entire backside of their car covered in political bumper stickers, stay away from those people.  Therefore the King must create a new law:  Weird people may have all the bumper stickers that they wish for...however they will not be entitled to any social niceties, as the rest of the King's subjects are.  They will be known as weird people and shall be treated as such!!  Any weird bumper sticker loving freak that objects will be flogged!

9:  People who still like the Simpsons are some of the most aggressive fans of any show that you will ever meet.  Though some of them will tell you that they did enjoy futurama more, they will still contend that the Simpsons is still the most poignient and insightful cartoon on television today.  Any mention of Family Guy around these rabid fanboys will get you yelled at.  Simpson's fans may continue to love their show, however they will respect those of us who enjoy things that are actually FUNNY!  THE KING HATH SPOKEN

10:  People who LARP...lol...sorry I can't...it's too easy to pick on LARP'ers.  If you don't know what LARP'ing is...google it, you'll laugh...or cry...either way you'll see why it's just too damn easy...The King demands that LARP'ers cease all LARP'ing until they realize that it will get them made fun of by those of us who are just not that damn dorky!  When they realize this, they are free to LARP to their heart's content!

 

THE KING HATH SPOKEN!!!

lol002.jpg

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  albinofreak

Apprentice Member

Joined: 8/02/06
Posts: 451

Formerly Cran Savo of Ahazi.

4/27/07 6:11:41 PM#2

I personally like how the crazy people have nine million bumper stickers. That way I know who to avoid. One time I saw a bumper sticker that said "Everything I know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains." That was pretty awesome.

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 6:13:40 PM#3
Originally posted by albinofreak

I personally like how the crazy people have nine million bumper stickers. That way I know who to avoid. One time I saw a bumper sticker that said "Everything I know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains." That was pretty awesome.

Such a Bumper Sticker is absolutely 100% tolerated in my Kingdom.

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  Spathotan

Novice Member

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 3889

4/27/07 6:30:26 PM#4
Originally posted by Draenor

lol002.jpg

Man ass 4tl.

"There's no star system Slave I can't reach, and there's no planet I can't find. There's nowhere in the Galaxy for you to run. Might as well give up now."
— Boba Fett

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 6:31:17 PM#5
Originally posted by Spathotan
Originally posted by Draenor

lol002.jpg

Man ass 4tl.


There's a funny story behind that picture...I thought you would all enjoy it.

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  Wraithmire

Novice Member

Joined: 4/03/07
Posts: 329

4/27/07 7:07:16 PM#6
I can definately picture the funny story behind that picture...

-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!
I have a Youtube channel for video games! http://www.youtube.com/user/Vendayn

  Coldmeat

Novice Member

Joined: 3/19/04
Posts: 3480

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
and the machine is bleeding to death

4/27/07 7:11:46 PM#7


Originally posted by Draenor

Originally posted by Spathotan

Originally posted by Draenor




Man ass 4tl.

There's a funny story behind that picture...I thought you would all enjoy it.



Eh, at least it isn't saggy. Yet.

And annoying skinny people are pretty useful, actually. Grab em by the ankles, and give em a swift snap, like a beach towel, and they make excellent pokers for getting down a frisbee in a tree, or the like. They also make excellent doorstops for when there's someone doing actual physical lifting that requires a door to be held open.

Best use, though, is if there's an uneven pool table at the pub, you can just fold up the skinny nonce, and wedge them under the shorter leg.

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 7:11:46 PM#8
Originally posted by Wraithmire
I can definately picture the funny story behind that picture...


Of a completely non sexual nature

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  albinofreak

Apprentice Member

Joined: 8/02/06
Posts: 451

Formerly Cran Savo of Ahazi.

4/27/07 7:47:34 PM#9
Originally posted by Draenor
Originally posted by Wraithmire
I can definately picture the funny story behind that picture...


Of a completely non sexual nature


Damn, you beat me to a joke regarding your best friend since kindergarden, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and some deviant behavior that no one would ever admit to ever again.

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 7:58:11 PM#10

Originally posted by albinofreak
Originally posted by Draenor
Originally posted by Wraithmire
I can definately picture the funny story behind that picture...


Of a completely non sexual nature


Damn, you beat me to a joke regarding your best friend since kindergarden, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and some deviant behavior that no one would ever admit to ever again.


Of course...i could just be lying, and everything that you just alluded to could have a great deal of truth to it.

 

The world may never know.

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  JADEDRAG0N

Novice Member

Joined: 4/26/07
Posts: 742

4/27/07 8:05:44 PM#11

Originally posted by Draenor

lol002.jpg


Good God!!!!

 

I hope that isant you.

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 8:19:16 PM#12
Originally posted by JADEDRAG0N

 

Originally posted by Draenor

lol002.jpg


Good God!!!!

 

 

I hope that isant you.


Of course it's me, your benevolent king

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  theanimedude

Novice Member

Joined: 6/06/04
Posts: 1617

WE LOVE YOU EN1GMA!

4/27/07 8:22:48 PM#13


Originally posted by Draenor

Originally posted by JADEDRAG0N



Originally posted by Draenor




Good God!!!!


I hope that isant you.

Of course it's me, your benevolent king


The 80's are over, get some new furniture... and some new pants. Also, we wear shirts these days ;)

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 8:27:47 PM#14
Originally posted by theanimedude

 


Originally posted by Draenor

Originally posted by JADEDRAG0N

 

 


Originally posted by Draenor

 

 



Good God!!!!


I hope that isant you.

 

Of course it's me, your benevolent king


 

The 80's are over, get some new furniture... and some new pants. Also, we wear shirts these days ;)

That picture was taken in our spare bedroom, where we keep two ridiculously old beds that people rarely sleep in.

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  Sawtooth

Advanced Member

Joined: 7/06/04
Posts: 2902

4/27/07 8:53:07 PM#15
But your majesty, what shall become of our kingdom's sports? Lo, have I watched athletic activities of all measures, and found such a one to be agreeable, and another to be lacking in masculinity. And lo! there are a great multitude of strange sporting activities on ESPN channels 5 through 17, of the likes of paintball on oil tankers, sumo wrestling, and chainsaw juggling. How shall we name them, that such a one shall be a sport, and such a one shall be stupid and unmannly?

What say you, majesty, on the subject of the kingdom's sports? How shall we know which is righteous, and which is deemed by the crown to be not a sport, as all free men know ballroom dancing, while impressive, is not truly a sport?
  alerum

Apprentice Member

Joined: 9/22/04
Posts: 407

baby quit yer crying and put the clown britches on.

~Gwar~

4/27/07 9:08:19 PM#16

Originally posted by Sawtooth
But your majesty, what shall become of our kingdom's sports? Lo, have I watched athletic activities of all measures, and found such a one to be agreeable, and another to be lacking in masculinity. And lo! there are a great multitude of strange sporting activities on ESPN channels 5 through 17, of the likes of paintball on oil tankers, sumo wrestling, and chainsaw juggling. How shall we name them, that such a one shall be a sport, and such a one shall be stupid and unmannly?

What say you, majesty, on the subject of the kingdom's sports? How shall we know which is righteous, and which is deemed by the crown to be not a sport, as all free men know ballroom dancing, while impressive, is not truly a sport?

I have to question the manlynessof the false king after seeing the butt pic

VIVA LE REVOLUTION!!!!!

 

 

  Xexima

Novice Member

Joined: 7/23/05
Posts: 2692

Cogito, ergo sum

4/27/07 9:22:38 PM#17

Originally posted by Draenor
Originally posted by Spathotan
Originally posted by Draenor

lol002.jpg

Man ass 4tl.


There's a funny story behind that picture...I thought you would all enjoy it.

Outfctrl and you just got finished, and he asked you to smile for the camera :)

Nail, meet hammer.

  Draenor

Apprentice Member

Joined: 5/16/03
Posts: 7943

[Insert Tool lyrics]

 
OP  4/27/07 9:30:57 PM#18

Originally posted by Sawtooth
But your majesty, what shall become of our kingdom's sports? Lo, have I watched athletic activities of all measures, and found such a one to be agreeable, and another to be lacking in masculinity. And lo! there are a great multitude of strange sporting activities on ESPN channels 5 through 17, of the likes of paintball on oil tankers, sumo wrestling, and chainsaw juggling. How shall we name them, that such a one shall be a sport, and such a one shall be stupid and unmannly?

What say you, majesty, on the subject of the kingdom's sports? How shall we know which is righteous, and which is deemed by the crown to be not a sport, as all free men know ballroom dancing, while impressive, is not truly a sport?

A right and righteous question from my wise and worthy subject!

 

The list of non sports shall be composed of all sports for which there is little to no cardiovascular fitness required!  This is the decree of the King.

Things such as Golf, Pool, Poker, NASCAR, and chainsaw juggling shall henceforth be known only as recreational (and in the case of chainsaw juggling incredibly stupid) activities!  A sport shall be known as something that athletes partake in!  Not some fat lazy slob!

 

Of course, this will render baseball and its subsidiaries non sports as well, Behold, Your ruler the King has decree that baseball shall not be an exception to my uncontestable laws!  Baseball shall henceforth be known as a recreational activity!  

 

In addition, sports that do not require some sort of display of masculenity, such as tennis, running, and snow boarding shall be henceforth known as "wussy sports!".  Sports with a great deal of physical contact shall be given a special place of honor in my kingdom!  Football, Rugby, boxing, Hockey, and all other sports in which men beat the crap out of eachother, will be known as "manly sports"

 

Athletes who play only wussy sports will be able to enter into my kingdom's sports hall of fame, however they must all have an asterix placed next to their name.  Let the world know that these athletes were not quite man enough to measure up!  This is the decree of the ruler, your King! 

Your argument is like a two legged dog with an eating disorder...weak and unbalanced.

  Infliction

Novice Member

Joined: 6/28/03
Posts: 1110

4/28/07 7:39:42 PM#19
Originally posted by Draenor

 

Originally posted by Sawtooth
But your majesty, what shall become of our kingdom's sports? Lo, have I watched athletic activities of all measures, and found such a one to be agreeable, and another to be lacking in masculinity. And lo! there are a great multitude of strange sporting activities on ESPN channels 5 through 17, of the likes of paintball on oil tankers, sumo wrestling, and chainsaw juggling. How shall we name them, that such a one shall be a sport, and such a one shall be stupid and unmannly?

What say you, majesty, on the subject of the kingdom's sports? How shall we know which is righteous, and which is deemed by the crown to be not a sport, as all free men know ballroom dancing, while impressive, is not truly a sport?

A right and righteous question from my wise and worthy subject!

 

 

The list of non sports shall be composed of all sports for which there is little to no cardiovascular fitness required!  This is the decree of the King.

Things such as Golf, Pool, Poker, NASCAR, and chainsaw juggling shall henceforth be known only as recreational (and in the case of chainsaw juggling incredibly stupid) activities!  A sport shall be known as something that athletes partake in!  Not some fat lazy slob!

 

Of course, this will render baseball and its subsidiaries non sports as well, Behold, Your ruler the King has decree that baseball shall not be an exception to my uncontestable laws!  Baseball shall henceforth be known as a recreational activity!  

 

In addition, sports that do not require some sort of display of masculenity, such as tennis, running, and snow boarding shall be henceforth known as "wussy sports!".  Sports with a great deal of physical contact shall be given a special place of honor in my kingdom!  Football, Rugby, boxing, Hockey, and all other sports in which men beat the crap out of eachother, will be known as "manly sports"

 

Athletes who play only wussy sports will be able to enter into my kingdom's sports hall of fame, however they must all have an asterix placed next to their name.  Let the world know that these athletes were not quite man enough to measure up!  This is the decree of the ruler, your King! 


Obviously you've never juggled chainsaws