I posted this problem in a parenting forum, and after not getting any responses, checked the home page and saw they have less registered members than this site typically has loged in or at least viewing, and then thought maybe it wasn't the best place to ask for advice anyway, because most of the people going there would also be people looking for advice, who are just as clueless as me.

So here's the post:

Hello! Looking forward to receiving some much needed great advice.

I'm 24, male, own my house (no loan or mortgage), live in Grand Rapids, MI, and I'm engaged. My fiancee's mother is staying with us for the summer, and she has 3 kids, an 8 year old boy, a 5 year old boy, and a 2 year old girl. My fiancee has the job, and I'm kinda like a stay at home step dad at the moment...

...And I'm at the point where I'm almost afraid to have kids of my own...

I had one of those quick set pools with the ring you inflate with air in my backyard this morning. I've told them several times not to go in it without us there, and finally, yesterday, I told them if they did it again, I would drain it. They got in it this morning, without us there, and I drained it.

Then they ran off, all 3 of them, even the 2 year old, over to a nearby park, by themselves, without telling us where they went, or even that they were leaving. So now they're grounded, and not allowed out of their rooms except to use the bathroom and eat, mainly for the sake of keeping them from running off and getting hurt.

I have no idea if this is a good idea or not, or if there's something I should be doing that I'm not, or something I am doing I shouldn't. I have no experience with kids, and the mother doesn't seem to know what she's doing at all either.

Did you ask them why they ran off on you?

Did you ask them why they got into the pool without somebody there?

Is Mom there when these things happened?

Did mom make it clear that you are their "stay at home step dad"?

What does "stay at home step dad" mean to you?

Are you ignoring them and doing your own thing expecting that they will entertain themselves?

How does mom typically deal out the dicipline?

Well, for damned sure you can't spank kids that are not geniologically your own, but you can make the idea sink in that you're only looking out for their safety.

I suggest the "arrested development" school of parenting. Hire a one-armed guy, lol.

~but in all seriousness, prank the living shit out of them until the point sticks. Rent a white van and kidnap one of them the next time they go to a park - just pray that there are no onlookers when you do it - you'll do time, even if it's your own kids and this is only to teach them a lesson.

I think kids continue to do this stuff simply because you can't be a stern parent anymore without repercusssions. Fucking sucks.

@Hazelle

You obviously don't have kids lol... the only person they WILL listen to is the mom, and she's not there all day to watch them. So it's a constant exploration of boundaries in front of a man that can't discipline them as need be. If he did - HE's the bad guy.

I do think it's funny he asks on a game forum, though. No better place to get the worst advice possible.

Originally posted by Hazelle

Did you ask them why they ran off on you?

Did you ask them why they got into the pool without somebody there?

Is Mom there when these things happened?

Did mom make it clear that you are their "stay at home step dad"?

What does "stay at home step dad" mean to you?

Are you ignoring them and doing your own thing expecting that they will entertain themselves?

How does mom typically deal out the dicipline?

mom typically just yells at them. she's got back problems, and probably knee problems too, and doesn't even attampt to run after them, and understandably so (remember, this is my fiancee's mom, who, for some unkonwn reason thought it would be a good idea to have more kids)

I am not ignoring them. Every day since they got here has consisted of coming up with things to entertain them. They've got more toys then clothes. I've let them play all my game systems, and on the laptop, until we found out the oldest was tryin to buy things without asking. We've let them play in the pool with us there several times. We got a bunch of water balloons for them. A few days ago I made slime with cornstarch and water, and so far that seemed to entertain them the most... thank god I had them play with it outside though. We've taken them to the park several times. They made a huge mess with playdough (again, thankfully outside) a few days ago. All that and more, and they got here only like 2 weeks ago.

I guess my fiancee sees me more as an older brother to them (which is more technically correct, to be honest). But I'm still an adult authority figure, am I not? It is my house after all... That's been made clear to them at least.

mom is always here, just like me. she can't work because of her health problems.

I did not ask them why, but I definately explained to them why what they did was wrong, and they seemed to understand the danger and that I was looking out for their best interest.

still no reply in that parenting forum, by the way. I understand this might not be a good place to be asking, but I know how to take things with a grain of salt.

I'm mainly just hoping some of the "old" members will see this. I would like to hear what they have to say.

 So according to you teachers, babysitters, daycare workers, step parents, foster parents, guardians, scout leaders, coaches, etc can't get kids to listen to them?  If you say so...

Pretend to kidnap them?  really?  that's your advice?  Were you raised by the Addams family?

a little update.

I just sat down with everyone, including my fiancee and their mom, and we made a very specific rule list, with all the specific things they have been doing over and over.

we've set up a reward / discipline system based on these rules. we'll see if they even remember anything tomorrow.

still welcoming any suggestions.

well now i gotta get back to helping trying to get them to go to bed.

Everything you've done sounds right.

Keep the rules as simple as you can and put it up on the wall with their individual names on it and use stars or something to show their progress towards the rewards.

That's pretty much what we are all doing.

The kids are testing their boundaries with you.  It's what they do when encountered with a new authority figure.  You need to talk to the Mom and your fiance and make sure they are willing to support you in an authority role.  If not, I'd consider another family to make a lifelong commitment to.  If they are, lay down the rules to the Mom and your fiance, get their support.  Then all of you sit down and talk to the kids, with their Mom's support.  You cannot be a "big brother" and an authority figure in your own home.  You are either one or the other.  

Second, if they are not willing to support you in the position of an authority figure, then insist they get daycare for their kids.  And I hate to say this, but if they don't support you, I will repeat:  probably time to consider chosing a new fiance.  Seriously.  The stance you set now will be one you will sadly be forced to live with for quite some time if you are looking to marry this woman and have her Mom and kids be a part of your life.

Last, in regards to rules and kids.  Make simple rules which result in both punishment AND rewards.  IE:  you want to play in pool, you will help clean up the kitchen after breakfast.  The 8 and 5 year olds should be capable of this.  You want to play on the computer, you will do X or not do Y, etc.  Do NOT give things in order to reduce stress (whining kids).  The 8 year old is probably a pro at playing mind games so beware, especially if it is a girl, but don't be fooled by boys.  Don't underestimate the power of playing catch or swinging on a swing, riding bikes, etc.  If you make it their reward, they WILL enjoy it.  Beware of electronic games and toys, they will result in attitude problems, I GUARANTEE it.

spank them. repeatedly. on the ass.