Ten Darkfall Facts
- Darkfall Online is a Doomsday cult headed by High Priest Tasos Flambouras. GMs are pastors, subscribers are acolytes, and the rest of the MMO community are uninitiated masses, who must be purged by any means necessary, or indoctrinated through strict regimented access to the Church of Darkfall.
- Aventurine SA is actually the new name of the Priory of Sion, who have hidden the bloodline of Christ within the servers of Darkfall. Too bad they're always down.
- Representatives of Tasos Flambouras have begun a petition to rename Athens, Greece. Thus far, top candidates for the new name include "Unrealistic", "Chargeback" and "Fanbotville". Greek lawmakers could not be reached for comment.
- When interviewed by top fanbot, Paragus, Tasos Flambouras outlined plans for a bold new initiative aimed at introducing a new race to Darkfall Online. This race will only be available for creation for 10 random minutes out of every week, and is rumored to be far better than all other races combined. Numerous heavily edited screenshots of the race have been posted.
- Information on some of the tools available to GMs of Aventurine SA was mistakenly leaked last week. Literally. Somebody flushed the napki... err, design document down the toilet.
- After much anticipation, Aventurine SA has finally released their methods for dealing with cheaters, macroers and hackers. These methods involve a ten-gallon hat full of credit card numbers and account information of known cheaters. Each name drawn will be randomly banned, and charged an additional $50. Them's the breaks. In other news, it appears that an intern with Aventurine mistakenly put only the names and information of NON-cheaters into the hat. Them's the breaks. Lord Flambouras responded to criticism from "those damn right-wing subscribers", by indicating, "Nobody cheats in Darkfall. It was a billing error... yeah... where's my tinfoil hat?"
- Aventurine SA responded to allegations from Something Awful that their acronym, "SA", was stolen by the Greece-based company. Dr. T.A. Flambouras, a professor of Greek law, called the accusations absurd, and stated, "Nobody, and I mean NOBODY is more awful than Aventurine. If anything, Something Awful should pay THEM royalties. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Kyanka!"
- Aventurine SA has hired grammy award winning rapper, Jay-Z, to compose a theme song for Darkfall. The single, "99 Problems But This Game Ain't One", is scheduled to debut on MTV later this week.
- The Darkfall Collector's edition will release next month. The box, which is silver plated and coated with diamond dust comes with the game, manual and some additional features, including "The Big Book of Excuses" by Tasos Flambouras, a romance novel starring Tasos Flambouras, entitled "Flaming Flambouras", twelve 8x10 photos of Tasos Flambouras in provocative positions, a "Tasos Flambouras for President!" pin, and Tasos Flambouras' phone number framed in delicate rosewood. The box is priced at $750, and comes with a waiver which must be signed, allowing Aventurine SA to charge additional monies at their discretion.
- In a UN conference last weekend, officials condemned the launching of Darkfall, reacting quickly and sharply, saying as they had warned for weeks, that it was "provocative" and a threat to stability in an already tense market. Aventurine SA responded by withdrawing from peaceful MMO discussions, and promptly banned UN MMO inspectors from their game, calling the condemnation "a grievous affront to everything the genre stands for, an effort to hinder the expansion of Aventurine SA, and an outright declaration of war." Responding to this comment, the U.N. Secretary of MMORPGs, Willie Richard Johnson, elected to keep it simple, stating "No, it's just that Darkfall really REALLY fucking sucks." Experts are divided on what will happen next.
Ten Random Comments
- Up to level 58 in Perfect World. Game's the biggest bloody grind I've ever played, and I can't stop playing it. I can't figure out why, because I hate grinders. I think maybe somebody lobotomized me in my sleep.
- PETA staged a fucking protest against baby seal clubbing in World of Warcraft. Seriously. This happened.
- I resubscribed to Age of Conan long enough to affirm that the game is a rumbling pile of excrement.
- Aion needs to release in the US. I'm no fan of NCSoft, but the game really looks awesome, and it really can't be worse than some of the crap I've played lately.
- I made a female character in an MMO for the first time. I think I was the last holdout in a generation of guys who all play girls. Having played her now for a bit, I can't decide if the ease of getting game assistance and free gifts are worth being hit on almost constantly by sex-starved virtual cowboys.
- I've had numerous people recently attempting to convince me to play EVE Online. While I have no substantive objections to space MMOs, I do have objection to many of the core mechanics in that game. Gaining skills while you're logged off screams out "You're fucked if you haven't played from the beginning." Not to mention that the UI looks like a confused spreadsheet written in a cheap knockoff of Excel by a 14 year old, while hanging upside down.
- The MMO market is really in a recession. The last MMO to release with any significant impact on the industry was LOTRO. Warhammer? Flop. Age of Conan? Flop. Niche appeal, really. The last MMO to innovate and succeed? Final Fantasy XI... and that was released almost 5 years ago now.
- I can't get my friend to play anything other than WoW. He's been an addict for going on 4 years now. Has 6 level 80 characters, is obsessed with raiding, and steadfastly refuses to believe that anything could possibly be better than WoW. It makes me want to scream, and then hit him with a ballistic missile.
- This article will get more views than my others, simply because it has Darkfall in the title. This is a sad commentary on the minds of gamers at the moment. Just let the bloody thing die, it's going nowhere fast. Two months later, and they're still parroting their "limited release" bullshit, and people are still eating it up like the world's greatest cake.
- This may be my last article for awhile. I don't feel as though I have much to say at the moment. I'm sort of in limbo... and so is the MMO world for that matter. There are a few big titles on the horizon, just like there were last year, and the year before that. Doubtless I will try them and be disappointed. Sometimes I wonder when I turned into a jaded cynic... and then I stop and realize that it was about the time WoW came out. Thank you Blizzard!
The One and Only!