Well, after a brief hiatus, the fat, happy dwarf is back. I took a little time off to explore a game recently released from the shackles of recurring billing. I took a run a at playing a robot and an effeminate elf. You probably know what game I’m talking about.
But oh how the Misty Mountains call! I found myself logging into my stout dwarf last night to attempt to clean up some quests. Little did I know, however, that my absence was an offence to the game. An offence I was to pay for dearly.
I was hanging out around Ost Guruth when I decided to try to find a group and finish some fellowship quests. I had one taker for a quest to kill some orc warmaster. Well, for those of you know and for the benefit of those that don’t, this quest takes place north of Weathertop. I was in Ost Guruth, far to the east of Weathertop. No worries. I’m always up for a little run. That statement will have much more weight by the end of the article.
So, I trudge my way across the countryside, dodging the occasional and irritating blackbird. I’m trying to follow the bearing on the mini-map that shows my companions lovely green dot. After much cliff-diving, followed by a few moments of hobbling, I find the orc camp. My companion? He’s already at the top patiently waiting for me. A fact I appreciate.
Long story short, we dispatch the rather pathetic warmaster (Master? Really? War-apprentice maybe). I pause a moment to help my sick wife into bed. Yes, that’s right. The fat, happy dwarf is married and gots kids, too. I return to find that I’m abandoned on top of this mountain with no partner. A fact I didn’t really appreciate. No worries. This quest was a few levels below me so I should be ok.
So far, the evening has been acceptable. The quest, while a good distance from where I started, was simple. Now I have to wander and find some long ranger’s camp. Did I just say that? Sure enough. They should have named him Tonto. Get it? Tonto the lone ranger? Anyway, I wander for fifteen minutes heading to his camp only to be told that the next step in my quest was to travel all the way back to Bree to some other lone ranger’s cabin! He must he higher rank. He gets a cabin. This guy here apparently can’t translate orc. Why did you ask me to get the letter if you can’t read it? Are you even sure this is the right letter? Are you sure of anything? Must be why he doesn’t have a cabin.
Ugh. Another fifteen minutes later and I’m back in Bree. I’m short another fifteen silver pieces and my rear is sore from the pony ride but I’m here. Ok, off to the other ranger’s cabin. I’ve been there before so it is no worry. I get there only to be told by this lonely, sad, pathetic little man that I have to take this now translated letter back to the loser at the camp! Are you mad?! Ever hear of messenger pigeon? “Messenger dwarf” doesn’t work quite as well due to our short, stubby legs. What the heck is going on here? In a land of magic and ancient lore, the best these two can come up with is to send adventurers running across the countryside?!
Again, I’m left wondering who at Turbine got paid for coming up with this quest? Better yet: who approved it? Who said “Yeah, that looks like fun! Put it in there!” Both of them should be punished by being bathroom attendants at a Star Trek convention. Wearing Star Wars t-shirts.
I’m planning on taking a look at some housing next time I log on. I’m not sure why. It will only make me angry.